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Friday, August 29, 2008

Sleep with my daughter

An eighteen-year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a
pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.Shouting , cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey
hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house. He sits in the living room; with the father, the mother
and the girl, and tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge.

If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You'll sleep with her again"

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

What Do You Say At The Point Of No Return?

E-mail forwarded by dedicated reader of Udaku Daily.

Types of Orgasms. Read aloud if possible.

The positive orgasm:

Oh yes, ohh yesss, oh yessss!!

The negative orgasm:
oh no, ohh nooo, oh nooo!!

The church orgasm:
oh god, ohh goddd, oh goooddd!!

The fake/Koinanga street orgasm:
yesss..are u cooming??..i aaamm...awwwww!!

The indian orgasm :
nehi..nehiiii ..nehii!...Rahul nehi! Aa aja! aja aja! Nehii.... Rahul piche nikaloĆ¢¦!!!

Hip Hop orgasm:
sh***et!!...awwwwww..f****ck!!!.. f***##*cckk!!

The instrumental orgasm:
oonnnh ¦ aaaeeeh,iiioo, uuuuh! aaaaeeiiooouuhh!!

The jaluo orgasm:
maiyooo¦ aiyoooooohhh lolooo ... maiyooooo ¦ thoo ¦ kanyo...beeebiii ¦ kanyo¦ eei yaawa¦ omera nyandundo manade!!

The luhya orgasm:.
timbili ¦ uuuwiiii...mundu khumunduuuuuuuuu ¦ wasee ¦ taaawe kaikaikai....i amu gaaamiiing!!!!. aah..a.....inghokho!!

The kalenjin orgasm:
koongoiiiiiimisiiiiiiiiiiiiing ¦ mamingala ¦ ghaleeeeeey ye! ye! ye!.. Mursik!! agenge kityo!

Kisii orgasm:
obeeeeeeeeeeee ¦Soi ime mono| naachire ¦ gakiiiii ¦!!!

The Kikuyu orgasm:
mangai nihau ¦ Nihau ¦ woi niukunjuraga! njuraga!! NJURAGA NGOMBE INO woooiii!! ¦ ngaaaaaaaiii ........ ningumia!!!

kamba orgasm:
uuuuuu!! ...... sululu! .... kisulululu!! aaaaaaa asii¦ kino ¦ niungwatanga ata ¦ aiiiii!! nivau ¦ nivau wee¦ NIVAUU! kino!!

meru orgasm
wuiii ngai baaba!!!! ..... ti niuuu mbiyite aaaiiiii huuhuhuhuhuuuu haihaihai andas andas andas!!!!!!!!!!yihiiii. yukia kathumba ituuuu>>>>>>>tikauuuuuuuu. yiiihiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.

Where do u belong kenyalisters

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

What men do at that critical moment

Guest post by woman who has been around

So you think that men are very tough?

Well your are welcome to your opinion because I have seen men at their weakest and that is really how I judge a man. What I do is I observed carefully how they react and what they do at that critical moment in love making. Some people call it the climax others the big O. Well, at least you know what I mean and what I am talking about.

You know people accuse women of all sorts of things and how they do things unconsciously, but in my view men can even be worse in this department as I have noted from my lovers of the past.

Most men grunt. Did you know that? Almost like pigs. I find that really funny.

But then there was this guy who would open his mouth so wide and with his eyes so tightly shut. In fact he opened his mouth so wide one time that I sincerely feared that it would be stuck there and he would not be able to shut it again.

Then there are those who cry out. Oh yes. Men DO cry out.

And oh what about this other guy who had a scowl on his face when he reached his big O. Almost like he was disgusted at it all. I found that one rather amusing.

Last but not least is the stiff emotionless type. No emotion no reaction, no grunt. Just silence like a tomb and like nothing is happening.

So ladies where does your man fall?

85 year old grandma forces burglar to call the police

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Shocking Nairobi Parties

The three men had had quite a bit to drink and now they found that they were completely surrounded by giggling girls and to make matters worse all of them were completely naked. Their breasts bobbed up and down as they clamored around them, their pubic hair clearly visible.

With boldness that shocked, the naked girls approached the men and did everything they could to turn them on.

This is NOT some porn movie or a scene from some sinful western capital. Actually Charles, Richard and Mwangi were at a stag party recently in a private room at a Nairobi hotel. Mwangi was getting married the very next day and his friends felt that there was no better way for him to kiss bachelorhood goodbye than to have the kind of party that he would never forget.

It was all too much for Richard. He grabbed one of the girls and right there on the carpet of the hired hotel room he started doing what is usually only done in the privacy of bedrooms. Mwangi, the bridegroom was next to succumb and he went off to do his thing privately in the bathroom.

Richard stared in shock. Not believing that his friends had succumbed so easily and so quickly. He looked around at the remaining 3 girls all eager and willing and looking up to him. In his mind he wondered where Njeri got all these attractive, decent looking chics from. While it was true that money could buy anything and indeed he had paid her a very hefty sum, he marveled at how she was able to pull this one off.

Well he had to get his money’s worth, he thought to himself as he settled for a blow job from one of the eager naked girls. She was terrible at it and he teeth were all over the place.

An hour later it was all over and the girls were dressed and lining up to receive their cash from Njeri for a job well done.

The next day at the wedding reception Mwangi’s beautiful bride asked him what they had gotten up to at their party. She had a wicked smile on her face as she asked but there was no way she could have guessed what really went on. Maybe of she would have, she would not have taken her vows earlier that day.

Is Penis enalragement really possible?

Long Suffering Kenyan Beauty Speaks Out On Her "Useless Kikuyu Lovers"

Kikuyu man answers woman who claims she is frustrated by Mumbi men in bed

How bad women abused the penis

Also published today: Man starts fire to avoid sex with wife

Man started fire to avoid sex with wife

News From Other Sources

A man who tried to set fire to his home to avoid having sex with his wife was jailed for two years.

Svetin Gulisija, 26, from Seget in Croatia admitted to starting a fire in woods just behind his house because he was too tired for sex with his wife.

The pair had to be evacuated as firefighters tried to bring the blaze under control.

The damage was later estimated to be around £15,000.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Why did long awaited pregnancy turn into a serious problem? Part 2

Read Part 1 of this story

Fatuma was overjoyed and although Ahmed did not stop his promiscuous behaviour right away he too was happy.

So things in the house should have been perfect, right? Wrong.

Something very strange started happening. Fatuma suddenly could not stand Ahmed. At one point she even said that just the sight of him made her want to throw up. Ahmed was furious that she could say such a thing.

In fact whenever Ahmed forced himself on her after weeks without sex, she would cry right through the ordeal and when it was over she would always throw up and fill a whole basin in the bathroom with her vomit. This was really odd for a woman who had enjoyed sex immensely with her husband previously.

Being a young couple, they of course had no idea what was happening. Why was it that Fatuma was all of a sudden so disgusted and repelled against a man she had always loved so much despite his faults? A man who had stood by her for 10 years even as relatives put pressure on him to get another wife for himself who could conceive.

The couple was advised that what was happening was pretty normal. Pregnancies usually either rejected or embraced the man with abnormal love. They were told of cases where a pregnant wife could not stand seeing her husband going off to work and would cry bitterly. Usually in this kind of case he child being carried would more often than not be a girl. And in cases where the pregnant woman felt repelled by the man, it would usually be a boy.

But that was not the only problem. This being the first pregnancy that Fatuma was carrying, she felt very embarrassed about it. She imagined that everybody who saw her knew exactly what she had done to get pregnant and were in fact imagining her in the act. She often felt so ashamed.

So a time that would have been of great joy was filled with much anxiety, repulsion and shame. It was a very long 9 months but finally Fatuma delivered a healthy bouncing baby boy and her joy knew no bounds.

Oh and she never again conceived any other child despite trying everything and going back to the same doctor. So the mystery remains to this day. How was that child conceived? Well, it depends on what you want to believe. There are those who firmly believe that the maker is the one who gives children and if you don’t have one but want it badly enough… well miracles can happen.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Why did long awaited pregnancy turn into a serious problem?

For Fatuma and Ahmed it should have been a time of great joy for them. They had been married almost 10 years but had never had a child. In fact if the two had not been so much in love they would have no doubt divorced by now.

Fatuma had always been very desperate for a child and accordingly she had done everything in her power to get pregnant. She had become so familiar at Kenyatta National Hospital that many people swore that she worked there. And when that had failed (the doctors told her that her fallopian tubes were blocked and there was no way that she could conceive) she went traditional. Now here things got very complex. You see most of the witch doctors she saw whom she was told were “very effective” insisted on having sex with her as part of the ritual to “open the way.” She finally agreed and slept with one elderly one. She braced herself as the man poured himself into her consoling herself that it was all for the better good. Of course she did not tell Ahmed any of this. How could he even begin to understand?

Sadly the witchdoctor’s ritual did not work. And that made Fatuma feel even worse. She had been conned and slept with the smelly old man for nothing. So she now despaired completely having given up and even started thinking seriously about adopting a child. Meanwhile although Ahmed always reassured her that he supported the idea of them adopting a child, he suddenly started behaving strangely. He drunk too much and slept out on most Fridays returning home on Saturday morning smelling of alcohol but fairly sober.

Fatuma’s conclusion was spot on. He was having sex outside the marriage. Now she seriously started considering suicide. Then out of the blue a strange woman visited her one day. All she knew was that the woman was greatly disliked in the estate although she had a small daughter who had a mental problem. Although Fatuma was a muslim, the Christian woman approached her without fear and told her that she had been sent by God with a message for her. This was over a year after she had been conned by the witchdoctor. The message was that she was going to conceive and give birth to a baby son.

The woman hurriedly left as Fatuma was still digesting the shock information. She wondered how this was going to be possible and yet the doctors had told her her tubes were blocked. She though that maybe the mental problem the woman’s daughter had was hereditary and the mother was maybe also nuts somehow. But sure enough she missed her periods that very month. She did two tests and then went to see the doctor who had told her it was impossible for her to conceive. It was only after that doctor told her she was indeed pregnant that she believed.

Read Part 2 of this story

Also published today: Pastor launches sex marathon

Pastor launches sex marathon for the married and bans it for 30 days amongst singles

A church leader in Florida has urged parishioners to have sex every day for a month to help cut America's high divorce rates.

Pastor Paul Wirth, who is taking up the sex marathon challenge with his wife Susie, said that couples right across the nation were struggling in their relationships.

For married people he said it seemed like "the sex is great up front but then for some reason life happens."

But for singles "it's like you're always thinking about it and you're like, man I'd like to have it as much as possible."

Sometimes that prevented single people from having a great and healthy relationship later on when they got married.

But Mr Wirth's challenge for his single parishioners is a little different than that for married couples. He wants them to abstain from sex for 30 days.

The head pastor of the Relevant Church in Ybor City, outside Tampa, delivered his 30-day sex challenge to churchgoers on Sunday during a sermon series on relationships.

He said it was one way of taking on America's 50 per cent divorce rate.

He referred to a recent study out that showed that 20 million married Americans have sex fewer than 10 times a year.

People's jobs, houses, children and other things tended to get in the way, he said. He believed that men really needed to re-evaluate their wife's needs.

"We so often come home and kick off our shoes and pick up the remote and don't offer to help with dinner, don't offer to help with the kids -- and then we just expect fireworks in the bedroom," he told news media.

But husbands needed to meet their wives' needs on intimate levels, he added.

Pastor Wirth said his 30-days of sex call had attracted international as well as national attention. This was because churches had remained silent on the subject of sex for too long.

"God is the one who talks about love and authors love, and He knows that He wants us to be intimate and connected with each other on a daily basis," he said.

The three-year-old Relevant Church says it is a casual, contemporary Christian church and its services are designed specifically for urban professionals and young families.

Mr Wirth's previous sermons have included using hit movie Shrek The Third to explain "what happens when we trust God".

His latest challenge isn't just about connecting on a physical basis, he said. Couples have to begin meeting each other's emotional and spiritual needs, he added. Those taking part fill out an emotional needs questionnaire that allows their spouses to see what is lacking and work out how to fulfil those needs.

The idea is to help couples refocus on their marriage. While the challenge is for a month, Pastor Wirth believes the 30 days will lead to a lifetime.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

The juicy irresistible carrot

The whole truth and nothing but the truth is that despite what most men seem to think, they usually fall far short of satisfying a woman properly in bed. At least a vast majority of them.

And that is why although Sofie was married, she had something that she usually hid in her handbag to “help out.” It was huge carrot that she usually rubbed herself with.

To be fair to Sofie’s husband, she was one of those women who had gone through the circumcision rite better known as FMG. In those days her mother thought it would help her stay from being pregnant when she was still in school. Those who know what FMG (the Kikuyu way) means will tell you how hard it is for somebody to get an orgasm once they have been through this crude butchering act.

And so things continued in this way for a long time. Sofie’s husband would do his business and leave her hanging as usual and Mr Carrot would finish off the job even as the man snored noisily on her side, completely exhausted.

One night Sofie was preparing for bed and she knew there was going to be action on that night and so she prepared for the operation. Then she panicked. She just couldn’t find Mt Carrot. She was sure that she had left “him” well hidden in her handbag as usual. She ransacked the whole thing several times, but Mr Carrot was nowhere to be seen.

Next she started looking in places where she was sure she was not going to find “him.” She even went to the kitchen and looked everywhere.

As she was desperately turning the house upside down her husband called out from the bedroom;

“Mama watoto, that trick of pretending that you are busy so that I fall asleep just doesn’t wash any more.”

He sounded cross. And for some reason Sofie got very annoyed. After all, she said to herself, if he knew what he was doing, she would not need Mr Carrot to “top up” would she?

That very minute, her 7 year old daughter started calling Sofie from the children’s bedroom. Now she was really annoyed. She stormed into the children’s bedroom and slapped the child very hard across the face. The child started screaming and Sofie pinched her hard and told her she would not stop until she kept silent. The child made a great big effort to keep quiet even as her body was racked with great big sobs. It was when she let go of her grip that she noticed some strange orangeish thing on the floor. She immediately knew that it was the end of a carrot. She asked the child, not believing what had happened.

“Mummy that is what I was calling you to tell you. I got hungry and I found the carrot in your handbag and ate it.” The child was now very scared and defensive.

“Mummy you said we can eat food without asking you, as long as it is not sweet things. Is carrot sweet things?”

Also published today; Vibrating panty causes woman to faint

British women and their craze for vibrating things

Hot stories from elsewhere...

Believe it or not, we now have something called a vibrating panty. In this age of women's lib and equal rights, this bit of clothing is supossed to give you pleasure even as you go about your ordinary day to day activities.

But recently it backfired badly. A woman actually collapsed in a supermarket when her vibrating panties made her faint with pleasure

The kinky 33-year-old housewife was wearing a pair of battery-operated passion panties, bought from a sex shop, while she did her shopping, according to the British tabloid The Sun

But she got so stimulated by the 6 centimetre vibrating bullet in her panties that she lost consciousness

She fell and hit her head in the crowded supermarket in Swansea, Wales

When paramedics arrived, they found her black imitation leather knickers still buzzing

They took them off before an ambulance took her to hospital.

The woman, whose identity has been kept private, suffered no long lasting ill-effects

And as she left the hospital, a paramedic gave her back the passion panties in a plastic bag

A spokesman for the Asda supermarket chain told The Sun: "We like to think shopping with us is exciting enough already"

(This story first appeared in The Sun, United Kingdom)

Friday, August 8, 2008

Can you love a lousy lover?

This is a question that worries many who are in love and it causes great anxiety because people worry that those they love will somehow fall out of love after they have been disappointed in bed.

Interestingly a brief survey conducted by this writer seems to suggest that women are much more worried about their relationships after sex than men are. And incidentally it is also a much larger percentage of women who end up very disappointed after the first sex encounter. One of the reasons is of course the very high expectations women usually have based on the feelings they have for their man.

However it is the view of many experts that true love can never be affected by bad sex. If anything true love enhances and improves sex and the longer such a couple waits to sleep together, the better.

After all genuine love for one another, in sharp contrast to lust, does not look to sex as a means to satisfaction, rather it is supposed to enhance the relationship by highlighting and emphasizing the need for one other. Sex is union which makes two people one in thought and emotions.

Sadly all this truth has been lost in the commercialization of sex, especially in movies where it is a cool thing to jump into bed as soon as possible. Our media widely promotes lust.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

A woman talks about her 5 lousiest lays

Yesterday’s horribly sexist guest post cannot go without being challenged.

Just as men experience lousy lays, we women also go through terribly disappointing experiences. In fact I dare say that many more women have something to complain about than men. You see men are by nature selfish and very few of them ever have the needs of the woman at heart. All most trigger-happy men want to do is to stick it in and “shoot” ASAP. The rest is not important to them, least of all the needs of the woman.

Erico has to take gold for being the lousiest lover I have ever had. He came at me poking his weapon all over the place without the slightest clue where it was supposed to go. His idea of foreplay was violently sticking his tongue into my mouth and crashing my lips like he was trying to press oil out of them or something. After cutting me with all the poking down there (you know where), he finally found the parking. But it got worse, it was painful because he pounded at me very hard. Who will talk to men about gentleness and tenderness? I tried to slow him down but he must have mistaken my grimacing in pain for grimacing in pleasure (which as you all know does not exist). The whole ordeal lasted like forever and when it was finally over, he had the cheek to ask; “how was it?” With that stupid smile on his face. Ishia!!

Silver has to go to quickie John. He was such a nice guy, handsome and everything and on the outside had everything that a lady would want in her man. I think what prompted me to go so far with him was that innocent look of his that promised so much. It was never to be. His kissing and caressing had so much promise. Which meant that my expectations were raised considerably. Instead John ended up being the 30 second wonder. It was so fast that I was left there wondering if anything at all had actually happened.

Mr Kisii was horror itself. He was big and strong and very loud. But there was something about him. Not to mention the fact that I had heard about Kisiis from my friends. But after that experience I can confidently say that reputation is grossly over-stated or I was very unlucky—I am not sure which. While it is true that a woman looks for an animal in a man, there are certain “animal types” that a woman will want to avoid like the plague. Mr Kisii was one such animal. No foreplay no caressing. Kissing must have been a rumour he is yet to hear about. He just went straight to it without caring. And oh my, was he heavy or what? I mean the man has no clue about using his knees and elbows to keep some of the weight off a woman. The whole ordeal was like hard labour at some Russina concentration camp. At the end of it every muscle on my body was aching and I honestly felt sick.

Dirty Joe was horror itself. The most vivid thing I remember from this horror movie is suddenly coming out of the bathroom to find him blowing his nose loudly with…. Yuck!!! Not a handkerchief. He was using the inner clothing that people wear before they wear their trousers. And he was using the part that normally faces that part of the body that you use when you visit the toilet for a long time. Yuck!!! Not that the guy could not afford a handkerchief (They are 10 bob with some hawkers in town). That little incident as you can imagine, put me off anything remotely interesting the guy may have done between the sheets, although I can promise you, it wasn’t much.

Long John’s problem was as the name suggests, the fact that he was way too long. And as women would know, long people cause pain rather than pleasure. I know porn sites attract millions displaying these “tools” that are more suited to donkeys and horses rather than humans but that is not the way things are in real life. I guess John would have been okay if he was sensitive enough to realize that his length was abnormal because there is plenty that can be done to solve the problem. Instead his greatest joy was going all the way inside, thus causing considerable agony every time. You see this is one game where the adage no pain no gain, does NOT apply.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

The 5 lousiest lays of my life

Guest post by avid Udaku reader

This post is dedicated to the 5 lousiest lays I have ever had hoping that at least some of them read Udaku and will read and learn.

I can tell you from experience that what you see is definitely not what you get. I once met this very hot-looking chic in Westlands. She was older than me I could tell but my oh my, did she have a body or what? She always had her crimson-red-lip-ticked lips apart and I found that quite a turn on. So I turned on my charm and played all the tricks I knew in the book and some from outside the book. And so we ended up at her apartment somewhere in Westlands and my excitement reached fever pitch.

But then what followed was maybe the greatest disappointment between the sheets that I have ever had. Everything she did between the sheets was a serious “turn off.” She was just there, silent as a tomb, I might as well have been making love to a statue or doll. She did not even cuddle close to me when the ordeal was finally over. I tried everything I knew but there was little or no response. I hurriedly left the next morning and to date that woman is still a puzzle. She wins my top award for my lousiest lay ever.

Then there was Mary the bragger. She talked a lot about sex and as most women know, that is a big turn on for men. And naturally she easily got turned on by my sex pep talk. We ended up at a small hotel near the night spot where we met. She faked everything which made it very disgusting. Not only the orgasm but what she said as we did it was straight from some old movie which was a big turn off. Heck, this was the real thing, we were not making some second rate movie. She kept on saying “give it to me.” Yuck. A silver to you Mary for being the second lousiest lay of my long career.

For some reason whenever I finished making love to this number 3 woman I always felt like throwing up. I am not sure why. She was a lousy lay alright. She just opened her mouth wide when she reached orgasm. However she did not do much else to excite a man. Maybe it was a mistake to have done anything with her in the first place. But I guess it was a very dry night and she was available and I was terribly horny. She did not have a body and certainly she did not have the looks and they say Nyanza women are hot. Huh!!

Number 4 goes to this tall slender woman whom I shall call quickie. The problem was that she did not seem to know that most men like to savour the moments immediately after orgasm. She would quickly push me off and go to the bathroom. I never understood what the mad rush to the bathroom was all about. And then there was the fact that she reached orgasm way too fast, faster than a chicken which made things worse because the whole thing would end up being a mad rush. Haraka haraka haina baraka.

Last but certainly not least is Rose petticoat. This woman would undress everything but keep her white petticoat on. To be honest, at first I thought it was quite a turn on until it was all over and she quickly pulled it back in place to hide that part of her body. She was obviously not aware that men like to see to be turned on. I am not sure what she was hiding. Was it something she did not want me to see? I found the petticoat business very boring.

There those are the 5 lousiest lays I have ever had. Hopefully some of them will read this and realize why I never showed up again.