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Sunday, August 3, 2008

The 5 lousiest lays of my life

Guest post by avid Udaku reader

This post is dedicated to the 5 lousiest lays I have ever had hoping that at least some of them read Udaku and will read and learn.

I can tell you from experience that what you see is definitely not what you get. I once met this very hot-looking chic in Westlands. She was older than me I could tell but my oh my, did she have a body or what? She always had her crimson-red-lip-ticked lips apart and I found that quite a turn on. So I turned on my charm and played all the tricks I knew in the book and some from outside the book. And so we ended up at her apartment somewhere in Westlands and my excitement reached fever pitch.

But then what followed was maybe the greatest disappointment between the sheets that I have ever had. Everything she did between the sheets was a serious “turn off.” She was just there, silent as a tomb, I might as well have been making love to a statue or doll. She did not even cuddle close to me when the ordeal was finally over. I tried everything I knew but there was little or no response. I hurriedly left the next morning and to date that woman is still a puzzle. She wins my top award for my lousiest lay ever.

Then there was Mary the bragger. She talked a lot about sex and as most women know, that is a big turn on for men. And naturally she easily got turned on by my sex pep talk. We ended up at a small hotel near the night spot where we met. She faked everything which made it very disgusting. Not only the orgasm but what she said as we did it was straight from some old movie which was a big turn off. Heck, this was the real thing, we were not making some second rate movie. She kept on saying “give it to me.” Yuck. A silver to you Mary for being the second lousiest lay of my long career.

For some reason whenever I finished making love to this number 3 woman I always felt like throwing up. I am not sure why. She was a lousy lay alright. She just opened her mouth wide when she reached orgasm. However she did not do much else to excite a man. Maybe it was a mistake to have done anything with her in the first place. But I guess it was a very dry night and she was available and I was terribly horny. She did not have a body and certainly she did not have the looks and they say Nyanza women are hot. Huh!!

Number 4 goes to this tall slender woman whom I shall call quickie. The problem was that she did not seem to know that most men like to savour the moments immediately after orgasm. She would quickly push me off and go to the bathroom. I never understood what the mad rush to the bathroom was all about. And then there was the fact that she reached orgasm way too fast, faster than a chicken which made things worse because the whole thing would end up being a mad rush. Haraka haraka haina baraka.

Last but certainly not least is Rose petticoat. This woman would undress everything but keep her white petticoat on. To be honest, at first I thought it was quite a turn on until it was all over and she quickly pulled it back in place to hide that part of her body. She was obviously not aware that men like to see to be turned on. I am not sure what she was hiding. Was it something she did not want me to see? I found the petticoat business very boring.

There those are the 5 lousiest lays I have ever had. Hopefully some of them will read this and realize why I never showed up again.


Anonymous said...

You should remember that to those particular women, you may have been the worst lay ever!

Anonymous said...

There was this amazing lady i met,beautiful,nice body,great dresser after a few dates we went to my place some kissing fondling and when things got hot we soon as she removed her panties and opened her legs a terible smell hit me my erection was gone in a flash,we had just eaten i could not hold it and rushed to the bathroom to vomit. ladies cleaning down there is very important

David said...

Hahahaha, thats funny anon@6:08, so wot did u end up doin.....,(wank?)

Anonymous said...

Tell us at Anon 6;08

Anonymous said...

Anon 7:49, You are right i will second you on that, sometime men aught to know if you are really satisfying a woman. Some of you have small d*cks that cannot reach a woman G-Spot ever thought of that? Others have to large all you end up doing is making a woman feel pain.

Well S*x i guess is only enjoyable if the are emotional feeling involved like i mean if you both feel you want each other badly then at that time i would guess that you will surely enjoy.

for Anon 6:08; Well i think one this is for sure, you should teahc you lad to shower, sex is good when you are both fresh and clean. That mean you also did not shower. Probably you also had a funny smell to. Men dont tell me you dont likea blo-job, it definatly aint done when youare not clean down there! cheers guys