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Tuesday, August 5, 2008

A woman talks about her 5 lousiest lays

Yesterday’s horribly sexist guest post cannot go without being challenged.

Just as men experience lousy lays, we women also go through terribly disappointing experiences. In fact I dare say that many more women have something to complain about than men. You see men are by nature selfish and very few of them ever have the needs of the woman at heart. All most trigger-happy men want to do is to stick it in and “shoot” ASAP. The rest is not important to them, least of all the needs of the woman.

Erico has to take gold for being the lousiest lover I have ever had. He came at me poking his weapon all over the place without the slightest clue where it was supposed to go. His idea of foreplay was violently sticking his tongue into my mouth and crashing my lips like he was trying to press oil out of them or something. After cutting me with all the poking down there (you know where), he finally found the parking. But it got worse, it was painful because he pounded at me very hard. Who will talk to men about gentleness and tenderness? I tried to slow him down but he must have mistaken my grimacing in pain for grimacing in pleasure (which as you all know does not exist). The whole ordeal lasted like forever and when it was finally over, he had the cheek to ask; “how was it?” With that stupid smile on his face. Ishia!!

Silver has to go to quickie John. He was such a nice guy, handsome and everything and on the outside had everything that a lady would want in her man. I think what prompted me to go so far with him was that innocent look of his that promised so much. It was never to be. His kissing and caressing had so much promise. Which meant that my expectations were raised considerably. Instead John ended up being the 30 second wonder. It was so fast that I was left there wondering if anything at all had actually happened.

Mr Kisii was horror itself. He was big and strong and very loud. But there was something about him. Not to mention the fact that I had heard about Kisiis from my friends. But after that experience I can confidently say that reputation is grossly over-stated or I was very unlucky—I am not sure which. While it is true that a woman looks for an animal in a man, there are certain “animal types” that a woman will want to avoid like the plague. Mr Kisii was one such animal. No foreplay no caressing. Kissing must have been a rumour he is yet to hear about. He just went straight to it without caring. And oh my, was he heavy or what? I mean the man has no clue about using his knees and elbows to keep some of the weight off a woman. The whole ordeal was like hard labour at some Russina concentration camp. At the end of it every muscle on my body was aching and I honestly felt sick.

Dirty Joe was horror itself. The most vivid thing I remember from this horror movie is suddenly coming out of the bathroom to find him blowing his nose loudly with…. Yuck!!! Not a handkerchief. He was using the inner clothing that people wear before they wear their trousers. And he was using the part that normally faces that part of the body that you use when you visit the toilet for a long time. Yuck!!! Not that the guy could not afford a handkerchief (They are 10 bob with some hawkers in town). That little incident as you can imagine, put me off anything remotely interesting the guy may have done between the sheets, although I can promise you, it wasn’t much.

Long John’s problem was as the name suggests, the fact that he was way too long. And as women would know, long people cause pain rather than pleasure. I know porn sites attract millions displaying these “tools” that are more suited to donkeys and horses rather than humans but that is not the way things are in real life. I guess John would have been okay if he was sensitive enough to realize that his length was abnormal because there is plenty that can be done to solve the problem. Instead his greatest joy was going all the way inside, thus causing considerable agony every time. You see this is one game where the adage no pain no gain, does NOT apply.

15 comments:

---Chief--- said...

Come on gal! How could you allow yourself to be laid by a guy before even discovering that he cannot afford a hankie?? You don't open your legs to every monkey then heap the blame generally on men!! And also, you can always tell your patner in case you are not comfortable. That you let this "Lousy men" come inside you attests to the fact that you too enjoyed the game!!

---Chief---

Anonymous said...

You must have slept with many people Joan! Is this the full list ama there is more?

David said...

I bet joan lay'd dead,opend her legs and waitd to be done....,it takes two to tangle.

Anonymous said...

Joan, While I am in full agreement with some of your observations we should not forget that women generally have different preferences. Some women prefer the long Johns while others do not. Once I had this I was very tender and consious in the way I layed this chick. All along, I ensured that I did not go all the way because I did not hurt her in the process but I was suprised when she complained that she wanted it all inside. From then on I ensure that I all the way to the very deep end and I can assure you she extremely loved it. We dated for 7 years and our sex life was an extreme pleasure.However, experience shows that we all prefer doing things differently. Likewise there are some men who prefer wide women while other prefer those who are abit tight. I feel it important to establish what someone prefers instead of generalising. What may work for you may not work for me. It is therefore important to explore these things gradually until you find what makes you girl/man tick.

Msafiri

Anonymous said...

All these propblems seem to eminate from lack of communication. If you dont say what you want then you had better accept anything you get. I have a big dick but have always asked the girls how they want it -all in, or just partially in! No problems

Prince

DataMiner said...

I'm a guy, but I tend to think that chicks get more lousy lays than guys..

David said...

This comments prove one fact and one fact only...,men are deffensive.....,yani,even some of em' are writing thea names after tha comment ........,wea are this ladies, si they come to joans resque....,(am not hating on men,just an observation)

Anonymous said...

heheheheh i have slept with a few women and the only time a man will consider about your feelings when having sex is only and i mean only if your his galfriend or wife other wise we always want to satisfy ourself and sleep
niceeeeeeee

mrembo said...

hehehehehehehehehe Crates!

Tina said...

Well I can commiserate with you Joan.Pole sana.If you've never had a gud lover, you ,like I used to may imagine that all men are lousy lays.Obviously most men are clueless and too ruff on women not to mention very selfish.From personal experience I can tell you that the more partners one has doesnt improve the quality of sex u get.You need to find one gentle and tender lover who is open minded yaani willing to learn and eager to please,then communicate what you like and find out from educational sex tapes not porno which have no basis in reality what works for other women, coz unfortunately you urself may not even know wot ur body nids.Sex is an instinct,love making is an art and a science,a skill which noone is born with.You have to learn from others who know wot they r doing.Older guys have a less fragile ego so they r more willing to do what you want and wunt feel demasculated if u correct their moves.Pls assess a man throughly before you even dare kiss him,look at how he eats,his temperament,his walking style etc which give u a clue as to whether he is a gud risk.Also you need to b assertive if you really do not wnat to then dont just go along,you will feel like a toilet afterwards if you do even if you are Princess Diana.Even wen ur in the act if u feel that ur getting a raw deal stop.You should never feel oligated to finish a guy off.Its time you became selfish as women if we want to self actualise our sexuality and end the frustrations we seemed destined to bear as women.Insist on foreplay of atleast 30minutes unless u wnat less of it.Then dont allow anyman to be ruff with u.Tell him to be gentle and show him his ruffness hurts you,if he ignores u,throw him out yaani atoke nje---no more sex regardless if he was almost cumming or woteva else,you should enjoy sex as much as the man and u shouldnt let a man use ur body as a tool for masturbation that is wot prostitutes are for coz they r in it for the money not the pleasure and satisfaction.Be clear and tell him EXACTLY how u like it.This is ur show and you should direct it.If you follow this steps and find a progressive lover,you will be a satisfied woman sexually instead of being a bitchy,sexually pentup woman with nothing but horror stories to give about ur sexual expereince.

Tina said...

Well I can commiserate with you Joan.Pole sana.If you've never had a gud lover, you ,like I used to may imagine that all men are lousy lays.Obviously most men are clueless and too ruff on women not to mention very selfish.From personal experience I can tell you that the more partners one has doesnt improve the quality of sex u get.You need to find one gentle and tender lover who is open minded yaani willing to learn and eager to please,then communicate what you like and find out from educational sex tapes not porno which have no basis in reality what works for other women, coz unfortunately you urself may not even know wot ur body nids.Sex is an instinct,love making is an art and a science,a skill which noone is born with.You have to learn from others who know wot they r doing.Older guys have a less fragile ego so they r more willing to do what you want and wunt feel demasculated if u correct their moves.Pls assess a man throughly before you even dare kiss him,look at how he eats,his temperament,his walking style etc which give u a clue as to whether he is a gud risk.Also you need to b assertive if you really do not wnat to then dont just go along,you will feel like a toilet afterwards if you do even if you are Princess Diana.Even wen ur in the act if u feel that ur getting a raw deal stop.You should never feel oligated to finish a guy off.Its time you became selfish as women if we want to self actualise our sexuality and end the frustrations we seemed destined to bear as women.Insist on foreplay of atleast 30minutes unless u wnat less of it.Then dont allow anyman to be ruff with u.Tell him to be gentle and show him his ruffness hurts you,if he ignores u,throw him out yaani atoke nje---no more sex regardless if he was almost cumming or woteva else,you should enjoy sex as much as the man and u shouldnt let a man use ur body as a tool for masturbation that is wot prostitutes are for coz they r in it for the money not the pleasure and satisfaction.Be clear and tell him EXACTLY how u like it.This is ur show and you should direct it.If you follow this steps and find a progressive lover,you will be a satisfied woman sexually instead of being a bitchy,sexually pentup woman with nothing but horror stories to give about ur sexual expereince.

Anonymous said...

Orgasms for a woman come from stimulation of the clitoris, not vaginal intercourse. I feel sorry for black women because it is common knowledge that black men will not perform cunnilingus. So there must be millions of black women that never get to experience orgasm with a man.

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And according to this article, I totally agree with your opinion, but only this time! :)

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