A woman talks about her 5 lousiest lays

Yesterday’s horribly sexist guest post cannot go without being challenged.

Just as men experience lousy lays, we women also go through terribly disappointing experiences. In fact I dare say that many more women have something to complain about than men. You see men are by nature selfish and very few of them ever have the needs of the woman at heart. All most trigger-happy men want to do is to stick it in and “shoot” ASAP. The rest is not important to them, least of all the needs of the woman.

Erico has to take gold for being the lousiest lover I have ever had. He came at me poking his weapon all over the place without the slightest clue where it was supposed to go. His idea of foreplay was violently sticking his tongue into my mouth and crashing my lips like he was trying to press oil out of them or something. After cutting me with all the poking down there (you know where), he finally found the parking. But it got worse, it was painful because he pounded at me very hard. Who will talk to men about gentleness and tenderness? I tried to slow him down but he must have mistaken my grimacing in pain for grimacing in pleasure (which as you all know does not exist). The whole ordeal lasted like forever and when it was finally over, he had the cheek to ask; “how was it?” With that stupid smile on his face. Ishia!!

Silver has to go to quickie John. He was such a nice guy, handsome and everything and on the outside had everything that a lady would want in her man. I think what prompted me to go so far with him was that innocent look of his that promised so much. It was never to be. His kissing and caressing had so much promise. Which meant that my expectations were raised considerably. Instead John ended up being the 30 second wonder. It was so fast that I was left there wondering if anything at all had actually happened.

Mr Kisii was horror itself. He was big and strong and very loud. But there was something about him. Not to mention the fact that I had heard about Kisiis from my friends. But after that experience I can confidently say that reputation is grossly over-stated or I was very unlucky—I am not sure which. While it is true that a woman looks for an animal in a man, there are certain “animal types” that a woman will want to avoid like the plague. Mr Kisii was one such animal. No foreplay no caressing. Kissing must have been a rumour he is yet to hear about. He just went straight to it without caring. And oh my, was he heavy or what? I mean the man has no clue about using his knees and elbows to keep some of the weight off a woman. The whole ordeal was like hard labour at some Russina concentration camp. At the end of it every muscle on my body was aching and I honestly felt sick.

Dirty Joe was horror itself. The most vivid thing I remember from this horror movie is suddenly coming out of the bathroom to find him blowing his nose loudly with…. Yuck!!! Not a handkerchief. He was using the inner clothing that people wear before they wear their trousers. And he was using the part that normally faces that part of the body that you use when you visit the toilet for a long time. Yuck!!! Not that the guy could not afford a handkerchief (They are 10 bob with some hawkers in town). That little incident as you can imagine, put me off anything remotely interesting the guy may have done between the sheets, although I can promise you, it wasn’t much.

Long John’s problem was as the name suggests, the fact that he was way too long. And as women would know, long people cause pain rather than pleasure. I know porn sites attract millions displaying these “tools” that are more suited to donkeys and horses rather than humans but that is not the way things are in real life. I guess John would have been okay if he was sensitive enough to realize that his length was abnormal because there is plenty that can be done to solve the problem. Instead his greatest joy was going all the way inside, thus causing considerable agony every time. You see this is one game where the adage no pain no gain, does NOT apply.