Related Posts with Thumbnails
Looking for a date... quick? Checkout the brand new dating site full of surprises, Carol Nyege speed dating. You'll love it!!

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Why I was unfaithful and why I stopped

Men and Women are equal. Some cheat, and some don't and that is a fact.

I cheated over my ex-boyfriend a few times. I wasn't happy with it, but filled my few minutes craving,lol. Excitement is over once you have sex with the person then find another one who can boil your blood for another few minutes. "New is always exciting," but it doesn't last like diamond and can't make me any better, but just being an ass.

I soon realized that I need someone who could make me excited at all times without looking for new man every now and then. Someone I love with lust and desire!

Finally, I met him and he made me a faithful woman, and a few years later,I got married him. I don't have problem doing things for him and I do like doing things for someone I love. We work vice versa.

Still I dare add that there is no feeling better than that of totally surrendering to the man you love and being under his weight on a bed as he presses you down and does things I don't want to talk about just now. Why would any woman cheat after finding such a man?

Harsh penalties for Child sex tourists

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Serious "size" problems that led to marriage

Jello was a nice looking man who always turned heads wherever the ladies were. He was not too tall and neither was he too short. Actually just the perfect size. In fact the perfect guy for any woman to wish for.

He had the looks and he had the body. In fact there are those who said that when most women met him they could only think of one thing—having sex with him.

But Jello had a terrible secret which most women discovered soon enough. And that is he was big down there. Very big. The kind of size that you only saw in porn movies. Then to make matters worse, when he was fully erect his penis bent towards the left. It was no turn on, rather it was a very scary thing.

And soon Jello got very frustrated as the same situation kept on repeating itself in his life.

He would meet this nice lady and they would hit it off big time. The moment of truth would arrive and the sheering pain that would follow penetration would end the romance right there in tears and sometimes blood.

One sympathetic lady friend came back to advice him to use a ring which would limit his penetration in ladies and remove pain. Jello knew it would not work for him. For a man the real joy of sex was going in the whole way. What was the point when part of you remained behind.

Soon rumours spread rapidly all over Eastlands about Jello and his massive tool. Some girls still came after him for curiosity sake while others avoided him like the plague. Those rumours soon reached a lady called Fatuma.

Fatuma had never been lucky in romance. Men mostly found her too big, too fat and unattractive. Few of them bothered to really get to know her because she had a heart of gold. While girls laughed and shuddered at Jello’s story, Fatuma was sympathetic and really felt for Jello.

To cut a long story short, they finally got together and were soon deeply in love.

Most people wondered why such a handsome man as Jello would end up with such an “ugly woman” as they put it. But quite a number knew why.

By some strange twist of fate, she was the only woman who could take Jello and also understand him. Men had always found Fatuma too big “Indian Ocean” they used to say.

The story of Jello and Fatuma encourages those who are still looking that there is always somebody out there who is perfect for you, but you may need to look much closer to recognize them.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Lunch time action

The other day we saw this man having lunch at 5pm and my friend and I wondered what was going on.

At least it reminded me about the Raymond-Rachel story. Raymond always used to have his lunch at 5 pm after work and the mystery was that it was not that he usually stayed in the office over lunch hour. If anything the minute 1:00 pm sharp reached, he would rush out at breakneck speed.

One did not need to be too observant to realize that Rachel too would usually do the same. Rachel was “happily” married and was a senior editor in the office. Raymond was not only married, the man had two wives.

The two would usually end up in a nearby lodging and would spend an hour of passionate love making, shower and make it back to the office by 2pm. Colleagues could not help noticing that Rachel would always come back for the afternoon session glowing.

The couple are not the only ones who use their lunch break in this weird manner. Many office workers who get very physically attracted to one another and cannot help themselves usually rush out for some lunch time action and many of them work much harder during that one hour than they have done the entire morning for their employers.

The same folks then innocently have their lunch at 5pm while others innocently go home to their spouses pretending that nothing has happened but looking like the cat that has drunk the milk in the fridge that you thought you firmly shut.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

The sweet music man

We are told that love and marriages have to be spiced up to remain interesting.

Well this reminded me of this man who loved his Congolese music and used it accordingly to add lost of flavour to his love life. We shall call him the “Sweet music man.”

To start with the Kenyan man used to dress exactly the way Congolese musicians dress. Can you picture those long trousers where the belt is fastened above the stomach?

Those who are familiar with the evergreen popular music of our not too distant neighbours in the Democratic Republic of Congo will know that the songs are very long. Long enough for a woman to reach that point Kiki likes to call “a point of no return.”

And according to very reliable sources the “sweet music man” became very famous and his reputation spread far and wide for being able to make love at the exact pace of the music he chose to play before the start of the action. Which means that he starts very slowly and tenderly and then reaches a point where the pace picks up considerably.

The excitement for the ladies was anticipating of the change of pace, more so if they were familiar with the song.

I have also learnt that many lovers use music to great effect to improve the quality of their lovemaking. That is apart from the multitudes of poor Kenyans who live in such poor housing conditions that they are forced to use loud music to mask the inevitable noises that come from lovemaking.

SUCCESS: Thank you for ordering your free copy of How to really please a woman in bed

Thank you.

You will receive an email from me in a few minutes where you will have to validate email (just follow the simple instructions). This is to confirm that you really ordered the information from me.

If you do not receive it after a few minutes please check your email spam folder.

If you still have difficulties please feel free to write directly to me at Make sure you describe the problem in as much detail as you possibly can.

My sincere thanks once again and I am looking forward to revolutionizing your sex life... FOR REAL.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Vicky's strange power over men

Women have often been portrayed as the victims in most relationships that go wrong, especially in the bedroom. But this is not entirely true as our latest true story will clearly illustrate.

Victoria or Vicky (as everybody called her) was a woman who seemed to have a strange power over men that to this day has never been explained.

It was no secret that she was having passionate affairs with several men and at the same time. And to make matters worse most of them used to visit her at her bed-sitter in Eastleigh. And bear in mind that those were the days when cell phones were yet to arrive.

One day the inevitable happened. She was inside her house and on the bed with John when Ronald arrived and knocked impatiently on the door. What happened next shocked the neighborhood and was discussed for weeks and months after that.

It is said that John was ordered to dive under the bed and hide. Which he obediently did. Vicky then opened the door for Ronald who was in quite a mood for some action and did not waste any time. So you can imagine the bed squeaking and people making all the usual noises as poor John was under the very same bed. It was almost lunch time when they were done with their lovemaking and Vicky cooked some lunch and Ronald left the house with a big smile on his face. Like some cat that has just had a little too much milk to drink.

Neighbors closely monitoring the activities at the house say that when John came from under the bed he was obviously very upset. However it is said that after a few soothing words from Vicky, the bed springs were heard squeaking in protest again. And what is more, the neighbors say that John too left with a big smile on his face.

Kindly bear in mind that Vicky was NOT a prostitute (she had a very good job at the airport in those days). And that is really what makes this tale so mysterious.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

In praise of older men

Over-rated? Or is old truly gold?

It has always been assumed that younger women are nothing but gold diggers and chasing the Kenya shilling whenever they are seen with older men. Indeed I too have always been prejudiced about this and can hardly keep my contempt and disgust at bay for such young ladies who choose old men.

However interviews carried out with a few young ladies has gotten me thinking and I can only conclude that it is not a good idea to rush into any conclusions before one has all the facts.

Sally is in her early 20s but is married to a man in his early 50s. She says many of her previous lovers were extremely disappointing. “Majority of younger men are insensitive and inexperienced. They are cocky and just interested in themselves. Older men are a completely different cup of tea,” Sally says.

She points out that although her man is fairly rich, what she feels for him is genuine love because he is caring, patient and totally devoted to her. The truth is that it is difficult to get such devotion from younger men. She adds that the devotion shows in their lovemaking and makes it very special.

Esther is a Kenyan in her early 30s who lives in New York, US and has a boyfriend who is 59. She admits that he is fairly weakened down there which means that their love making involves the use of “toys” and “sex aids” but she describes their sex life as “explosive”. More so when it is compared with the blundering clueless younger men she dated previously. Good fulfilling sex is much more than just a solid consistent hard on, she emphasizes.

What do you readers out there think?

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

What does “mummy” have to do with that critical moment?

We have all had a good time analyzing men and how the react and what they do at that critical moment which my sister Kiki called a point of no return. Hahahahahahahahahaha.

Now what about women? What do they do? What do they say?

An experienced colleague who has bedded over 50 women offered me some interesting insights. Apparently the most popular reaction by far is where women call their mothers. Mummieeeeeee!!!!!

Strange this one. Because it beats me what my mother would have to do with such a moment.

According to my source a vast majority of his lovers cried out; “mamie” when they reached that high point that unfortunately not too many women reach.

Those screams you hear in porn movies are apparently not very African. African women’s screams are a tad low key, according to my expert source who puts screams of delight at number two amongst the most common reactions he witnessed when bringing his lovers to that delightful place.

Third on his list is an interesting sound that is not too easy to describe. It is a sucking of breath sound, the kind that some people make when they have an open wound that is hurting. It comes out as some sort of hissing sound. My friend tells me that usually those women who emit this sound end up with a very loud aaaaaaahhhhhhh when the reach the apex of their moment.

Other common reactions including a shaking of the head as if to say “no”, of course with eyes tightly shut. He has also recaive serious scratch wounds on his back for his efforts, but that one was from some mzungu woman..

So let us hear what you other guys out there have observed. It is your turn now after the ladies had so much fun the other day laughing at men.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

How not to be a bitchy sexually pent-up woman

Guest post by Tina

Well I can commiserate with you Joan about poor dissapointing lovers. Pole sana.

If you've never had a good lover, you, like I used to before I learnt a few things, may imagine that all men are lousy lays. Obviously most men are clueless and too rough on women not to mention very selfish. From personal experience I can tell you that the more partners one has doesn't improve the quality of sex you get. What you need to do is find one gentle and tender lover who is open minded yaani willing to learn and eager to please, then communicate what you like and find out from educational sex tapes not porno which have no basis in reality what works for other women, because unfortunately you yourself may not even know what your body needs.

Sex is an instinct, love making is an art and a science, a skill which nobody is born with. You have to learn from others who know what they are doing. Older guys have a less fragile ego so they are more willing to do what you want and won't feel demasculated if you correct their moves.

Please assess a man throughly before you even dare kiss him,look at how he eats, his temperament, his walking style etc which give u a clue as to whether he is a good risk. Also you need to be assertive. Do n't just go along, you will feel like a toilet afterwards if you do even if you are Princess Diana.

Even when you are in the act if you feel that you are getting a raw deal stop. You should never feel obligated to finish a guy off. Its time you became selfish as a woman if we want to self actualize our sexuality and end the frustrations we seemed destined to bear as women. Insist on foreplay of at least 30minutes unless you want less of it.

Then don't allow any man to be rough with you. Tell him to be gentle and show him that his roughness hurts you, if he ignores you,throw him out yaani atoke nje---no more sex regardless if he was almost cumming or woteva else, you should enjoy sex as much as the man and you shouldn't let a man use your body as a tool for masturbation that is wot prostitutes are for coz they are in it for the money not the pleasure and satisfaction.

Be clear and tell him EXACTLY how you like it. This is your show and you should direct it. If you follow this steps and find a progressive lover, you will be a satisfied woman sexually instead of being a bitchy, sexually pent-up woman with nothing but horror stories to give about your sexual experiences.

Friday, August 29, 2008

Sleep with my daughter

An eighteen-year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a
pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.Shouting , cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey
hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house. He sits in the living room; with the father, the mother
and the girl, and tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge.

If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You'll sleep with her again"

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

What Do You Say At The Point Of No Return?

E-mail forwarded by dedicated reader of Udaku Daily.

Types of Orgasms. Read aloud if possible.

The positive orgasm:

Oh yes, ohh yesss, oh yessss!!

The negative orgasm:
oh no, ohh nooo, oh nooo!!

The church orgasm:
oh god, ohh goddd, oh goooddd!!

The fake/Koinanga street orgasm:
yesss..are u cooming??..i aaamm...awwwww!!

The indian orgasm :
nehi..nehiiii ..nehii!...Rahul nehi! Aa aja! aja aja! Nehii.... Rahul piche nikaloâ¦!!!

Hip Hop orgasm:
sh***et!!...awwwwww..f****ck!!!.. f***##*cckk!!

The instrumental orgasm:
oonnnh ¦ aaaeeeh,iiioo, uuuuh! aaaaeeiiooouuhh!!

The jaluo orgasm:
maiyooo¦ aiyoooooohhh lolooo ... maiyooooo ¦ thoo ¦ kanyo...beeebiii ¦ kanyo¦ eei yaawa¦ omera nyandundo manade!!

The luhya orgasm:.
timbili ¦ uuuwiiii...mundu khumunduuuuuuuuu ¦ wasee ¦ taaawe kaikaikai....i amu gaaamiiing!!!!. aah..a.....inghokho!!

The kalenjin orgasm:
koongoiiiiiimisiiiiiiiiiiiiing ¦ mamingala ¦ ghaleeeeeey ye! ye! ye!.. Mursik!! agenge kityo!

Kisii orgasm:
obeeeeeeeeeeee ¦Soi ime mono| naachire ¦ gakiiiii ¦!!!

The Kikuyu orgasm:
mangai nihau ¦ Nihau ¦ woi niukunjuraga! njuraga!! NJURAGA NGOMBE INO woooiii!! ¦ ngaaaaaaaiii ........ ningumia!!!

kamba orgasm:
uuuuuu!! ...... sululu! .... kisulululu!! aaaaaaa asii¦ kino ¦ niungwatanga ata ¦ aiiiii!! nivau ¦ nivau wee¦ NIVAUU! kino!!

meru orgasm
wuiii ngai baaba!!!! ..... ti niuuu mbiyite aaaiiiii huuhuhuhuhuuuu haihaihai andas andas andas!!!!!!!!!!yihiiii. yukia kathumba ituuuu>>>>>>>tikauuuuuuuu. yiiihiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.

Where do u belong kenyalisters

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

What men do at that critical moment

Guest post by woman who has been around

So you think that men are very tough?

Well your are welcome to your opinion because I have seen men at their weakest and that is really how I judge a man. What I do is I observed carefully how they react and what they do at that critical moment in love making. Some people call it the climax others the big O. Well, at least you know what I mean and what I am talking about.

You know people accuse women of all sorts of things and how they do things unconsciously, but in my view men can even be worse in this department as I have noted from my lovers of the past.

Most men grunt. Did you know that? Almost like pigs. I find that really funny.

But then there was this guy who would open his mouth so wide and with his eyes so tightly shut. In fact he opened his mouth so wide one time that I sincerely feared that it would be stuck there and he would not be able to shut it again.

Then there are those who cry out. Oh yes. Men DO cry out.

And oh what about this other guy who had a scowl on his face when he reached his big O. Almost like he was disgusted at it all. I found that one rather amusing.

Last but not least is the stiff emotionless type. No emotion no reaction, no grunt. Just silence like a tomb and like nothing is happening.

So ladies where does your man fall?

85 year old grandma forces burglar to call the police

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Shocking Nairobi Parties

The three men had had quite a bit to drink and now they found that they were completely surrounded by giggling girls and to make matters worse all of them were completely naked. Their breasts bobbed up and down as they clamored around them, their pubic hair clearly visible.

With boldness that shocked, the naked girls approached the men and did everything they could to turn them on.

This is NOT some porn movie or a scene from some sinful western capital. Actually Charles, Richard and Mwangi were at a stag party recently in a private room at a Nairobi hotel. Mwangi was getting married the very next day and his friends felt that there was no better way for him to kiss bachelorhood goodbye than to have the kind of party that he would never forget.

It was all too much for Richard. He grabbed one of the girls and right there on the carpet of the hired hotel room he started doing what is usually only done in the privacy of bedrooms. Mwangi, the bridegroom was next to succumb and he went off to do his thing privately in the bathroom.

Richard stared in shock. Not believing that his friends had succumbed so easily and so quickly. He looked around at the remaining 3 girls all eager and willing and looking up to him. In his mind he wondered where Njeri got all these attractive, decent looking chics from. While it was true that money could buy anything and indeed he had paid her a very hefty sum, he marveled at how she was able to pull this one off.

Well he had to get his money’s worth, he thought to himself as he settled for a blow job from one of the eager naked girls. She was terrible at it and he teeth were all over the place.

An hour later it was all over and the girls were dressed and lining up to receive their cash from Njeri for a job well done.

The next day at the wedding reception Mwangi’s beautiful bride asked him what they had gotten up to at their party. She had a wicked smile on her face as she asked but there was no way she could have guessed what really went on. Maybe of she would have, she would not have taken her vows earlier that day.

Is Penis enalragement really possible?

Long Suffering Kenyan Beauty Speaks Out On Her "Useless Kikuyu Lovers"

Kikuyu man answers woman who claims she is frustrated by Mumbi men in bed

How bad women abused the penis

Also published today: Man starts fire to avoid sex with wife

Man started fire to avoid sex with wife

News From Other Sources

A man who tried to set fire to his home to avoid having sex with his wife was jailed for two years.

Svetin Gulisija, 26, from Seget in Croatia admitted to starting a fire in woods just behind his house because he was too tired for sex with his wife.

The pair had to be evacuated as firefighters tried to bring the blaze under control.

The damage was later estimated to be around £15,000.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Why did long awaited pregnancy turn into a serious problem? Part 2

Read Part 1 of this story

Fatuma was overjoyed and although Ahmed did not stop his promiscuous behaviour right away he too was happy.

So things in the house should have been perfect, right? Wrong.

Something very strange started happening. Fatuma suddenly could not stand Ahmed. At one point she even said that just the sight of him made her want to throw up. Ahmed was furious that she could say such a thing.

In fact whenever Ahmed forced himself on her after weeks without sex, she would cry right through the ordeal and when it was over she would always throw up and fill a whole basin in the bathroom with her vomit. This was really odd for a woman who had enjoyed sex immensely with her husband previously.

Being a young couple, they of course had no idea what was happening. Why was it that Fatuma was all of a sudden so disgusted and repelled against a man she had always loved so much despite his faults? A man who had stood by her for 10 years even as relatives put pressure on him to get another wife for himself who could conceive.

The couple was advised that what was happening was pretty normal. Pregnancies usually either rejected or embraced the man with abnormal love. They were told of cases where a pregnant wife could not stand seeing her husband going off to work and would cry bitterly. Usually in this kind of case he child being carried would more often than not be a girl. And in cases where the pregnant woman felt repelled by the man, it would usually be a boy.

But that was not the only problem. This being the first pregnancy that Fatuma was carrying, she felt very embarrassed about it. She imagined that everybody who saw her knew exactly what she had done to get pregnant and were in fact imagining her in the act. She often felt so ashamed.

So a time that would have been of great joy was filled with much anxiety, repulsion and shame. It was a very long 9 months but finally Fatuma delivered a healthy bouncing baby boy and her joy knew no bounds.

Oh and she never again conceived any other child despite trying everything and going back to the same doctor. So the mystery remains to this day. How was that child conceived? Well, it depends on what you want to believe. There are those who firmly believe that the maker is the one who gives children and if you don’t have one but want it badly enough… well miracles can happen.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Why did long awaited pregnancy turn into a serious problem?

For Fatuma and Ahmed it should have been a time of great joy for them. They had been married almost 10 years but had never had a child. In fact if the two had not been so much in love they would have no doubt divorced by now.

Fatuma had always been very desperate for a child and accordingly she had done everything in her power to get pregnant. She had become so familiar at Kenyatta National Hospital that many people swore that she worked there. And when that had failed (the doctors told her that her fallopian tubes were blocked and there was no way that she could conceive) she went traditional. Now here things got very complex. You see most of the witch doctors she saw whom she was told were “very effective” insisted on having sex with her as part of the ritual to “open the way.” She finally agreed and slept with one elderly one. She braced herself as the man poured himself into her consoling herself that it was all for the better good. Of course she did not tell Ahmed any of this. How could he even begin to understand?

Sadly the witchdoctor’s ritual did not work. And that made Fatuma feel even worse. She had been conned and slept with the smelly old man for nothing. So she now despaired completely having given up and even started thinking seriously about adopting a child. Meanwhile although Ahmed always reassured her that he supported the idea of them adopting a child, he suddenly started behaving strangely. He drunk too much and slept out on most Fridays returning home on Saturday morning smelling of alcohol but fairly sober.

Fatuma’s conclusion was spot on. He was having sex outside the marriage. Now she seriously started considering suicide. Then out of the blue a strange woman visited her one day. All she knew was that the woman was greatly disliked in the estate although she had a small daughter who had a mental problem. Although Fatuma was a muslim, the Christian woman approached her without fear and told her that she had been sent by God with a message for her. This was over a year after she had been conned by the witchdoctor. The message was that she was going to conceive and give birth to a baby son.

The woman hurriedly left as Fatuma was still digesting the shock information. She wondered how this was going to be possible and yet the doctors had told her her tubes were blocked. She though that maybe the mental problem the woman’s daughter had was hereditary and the mother was maybe also nuts somehow. But sure enough she missed her periods that very month. She did two tests and then went to see the doctor who had told her it was impossible for her to conceive. It was only after that doctor told her she was indeed pregnant that she believed.

Read Part 2 of this story

Also published today: Pastor launches sex marathon

Pastor launches sex marathon for the married and bans it for 30 days amongst singles

A church leader in Florida has urged parishioners to have sex every day for a month to help cut America's high divorce rates.

Pastor Paul Wirth, who is taking up the sex marathon challenge with his wife Susie, said that couples right across the nation were struggling in their relationships.

For married people he said it seemed like "the sex is great up front but then for some reason life happens."

But for singles "it's like you're always thinking about it and you're like, man I'd like to have it as much as possible."

Sometimes that prevented single people from having a great and healthy relationship later on when they got married.

But Mr Wirth's challenge for his single parishioners is a little different than that for married couples. He wants them to abstain from sex for 30 days.

The head pastor of the Relevant Church in Ybor City, outside Tampa, delivered his 30-day sex challenge to churchgoers on Sunday during a sermon series on relationships.

He said it was one way of taking on America's 50 per cent divorce rate.

He referred to a recent study out that showed that 20 million married Americans have sex fewer than 10 times a year.

People's jobs, houses, children and other things tended to get in the way, he said. He believed that men really needed to re-evaluate their wife's needs.

"We so often come home and kick off our shoes and pick up the remote and don't offer to help with dinner, don't offer to help with the kids -- and then we just expect fireworks in the bedroom," he told news media.

But husbands needed to meet their wives' needs on intimate levels, he added.

Pastor Wirth said his 30-days of sex call had attracted international as well as national attention. This was because churches had remained silent on the subject of sex for too long.

"God is the one who talks about love and authors love, and He knows that He wants us to be intimate and connected with each other on a daily basis," he said.

The three-year-old Relevant Church says it is a casual, contemporary Christian church and its services are designed specifically for urban professionals and young families.

Mr Wirth's previous sermons have included using hit movie Shrek The Third to explain "what happens when we trust God".

His latest challenge isn't just about connecting on a physical basis, he said. Couples have to begin meeting each other's emotional and spiritual needs, he added. Those taking part fill out an emotional needs questionnaire that allows their spouses to see what is lacking and work out how to fulfil those needs.

The idea is to help couples refocus on their marriage. While the challenge is for a month, Pastor Wirth believes the 30 days will lead to a lifetime.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

The juicy irresistible carrot

The whole truth and nothing but the truth is that despite what most men seem to think, they usually fall far short of satisfying a woman properly in bed. At least a vast majority of them.

And that is why although Sofie was married, she had something that she usually hid in her handbag to “help out.” It was huge carrot that she usually rubbed herself with.

To be fair to Sofie’s husband, she was one of those women who had gone through the circumcision rite better known as FMG. In those days her mother thought it would help her stay from being pregnant when she was still in school. Those who know what FMG (the Kikuyu way) means will tell you how hard it is for somebody to get an orgasm once they have been through this crude butchering act.

And so things continued in this way for a long time. Sofie’s husband would do his business and leave her hanging as usual and Mr Carrot would finish off the job even as the man snored noisily on her side, completely exhausted.

One night Sofie was preparing for bed and she knew there was going to be action on that night and so she prepared for the operation. Then she panicked. She just couldn’t find Mt Carrot. She was sure that she had left “him” well hidden in her handbag as usual. She ransacked the whole thing several times, but Mr Carrot was nowhere to be seen.

Next she started looking in places where she was sure she was not going to find “him.” She even went to the kitchen and looked everywhere.

As she was desperately turning the house upside down her husband called out from the bedroom;

“Mama watoto, that trick of pretending that you are busy so that I fall asleep just doesn’t wash any more.”

He sounded cross. And for some reason Sofie got very annoyed. After all, she said to herself, if he knew what he was doing, she would not need Mr Carrot to “top up” would she?

That very minute, her 7 year old daughter started calling Sofie from the children’s bedroom. Now she was really annoyed. She stormed into the children’s bedroom and slapped the child very hard across the face. The child started screaming and Sofie pinched her hard and told her she would not stop until she kept silent. The child made a great big effort to keep quiet even as her body was racked with great big sobs. It was when she let go of her grip that she noticed some strange orangeish thing on the floor. She immediately knew that it was the end of a carrot. She asked the child, not believing what had happened.

“Mummy that is what I was calling you to tell you. I got hungry and I found the carrot in your handbag and ate it.” The child was now very scared and defensive.

“Mummy you said we can eat food without asking you, as long as it is not sweet things. Is carrot sweet things?”

Also published today; Vibrating panty causes woman to faint

British women and their craze for vibrating things

Hot stories from elsewhere...

Believe it or not, we now have something called a vibrating panty. In this age of women's lib and equal rights, this bit of clothing is supossed to give you pleasure even as you go about your ordinary day to day activities.

But recently it backfired badly. A woman actually collapsed in a supermarket when her vibrating panties made her faint with pleasure

The kinky 33-year-old housewife was wearing a pair of battery-operated passion panties, bought from a sex shop, while she did her shopping, according to the British tabloid The Sun

But she got so stimulated by the 6 centimetre vibrating bullet in her panties that she lost consciousness

She fell and hit her head in the crowded supermarket in Swansea, Wales

When paramedics arrived, they found her black imitation leather knickers still buzzing

They took them off before an ambulance took her to hospital.

The woman, whose identity has been kept private, suffered no long lasting ill-effects

And as she left the hospital, a paramedic gave her back the passion panties in a plastic bag

A spokesman for the Asda supermarket chain told The Sun: "We like to think shopping with us is exciting enough already"

(This story first appeared in The Sun, United Kingdom)

Friday, August 8, 2008

Can you love a lousy lover?

This is a question that worries many who are in love and it causes great anxiety because people worry that those they love will somehow fall out of love after they have been disappointed in bed.

Interestingly a brief survey conducted by this writer seems to suggest that women are much more worried about their relationships after sex than men are. And incidentally it is also a much larger percentage of women who end up very disappointed after the first sex encounter. One of the reasons is of course the very high expectations women usually have based on the feelings they have for their man.

However it is the view of many experts that true love can never be affected by bad sex. If anything true love enhances and improves sex and the longer such a couple waits to sleep together, the better.

After all genuine love for one another, in sharp contrast to lust, does not look to sex as a means to satisfaction, rather it is supposed to enhance the relationship by highlighting and emphasizing the need for one other. Sex is union which makes two people one in thought and emotions.

Sadly all this truth has been lost in the commercialization of sex, especially in movies where it is a cool thing to jump into bed as soon as possible. Our media widely promotes lust.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

A woman talks about her 5 lousiest lays

Yesterday’s horribly sexist guest post cannot go without being challenged.

Just as men experience lousy lays, we women also go through terribly disappointing experiences. In fact I dare say that many more women have something to complain about than men. You see men are by nature selfish and very few of them ever have the needs of the woman at heart. All most trigger-happy men want to do is to stick it in and “shoot” ASAP. The rest is not important to them, least of all the needs of the woman.

Erico has to take gold for being the lousiest lover I have ever had. He came at me poking his weapon all over the place without the slightest clue where it was supposed to go. His idea of foreplay was violently sticking his tongue into my mouth and crashing my lips like he was trying to press oil out of them or something. After cutting me with all the poking down there (you know where), he finally found the parking. But it got worse, it was painful because he pounded at me very hard. Who will talk to men about gentleness and tenderness? I tried to slow him down but he must have mistaken my grimacing in pain for grimacing in pleasure (which as you all know does not exist). The whole ordeal lasted like forever and when it was finally over, he had the cheek to ask; “how was it?” With that stupid smile on his face. Ishia!!

Silver has to go to quickie John. He was such a nice guy, handsome and everything and on the outside had everything that a lady would want in her man. I think what prompted me to go so far with him was that innocent look of his that promised so much. It was never to be. His kissing and caressing had so much promise. Which meant that my expectations were raised considerably. Instead John ended up being the 30 second wonder. It was so fast that I was left there wondering if anything at all had actually happened.

Mr Kisii was horror itself. He was big and strong and very loud. But there was something about him. Not to mention the fact that I had heard about Kisiis from my friends. But after that experience I can confidently say that reputation is grossly over-stated or I was very unlucky—I am not sure which. While it is true that a woman looks for an animal in a man, there are certain “animal types” that a woman will want to avoid like the plague. Mr Kisii was one such animal. No foreplay no caressing. Kissing must have been a rumour he is yet to hear about. He just went straight to it without caring. And oh my, was he heavy or what? I mean the man has no clue about using his knees and elbows to keep some of the weight off a woman. The whole ordeal was like hard labour at some Russina concentration camp. At the end of it every muscle on my body was aching and I honestly felt sick.

Dirty Joe was horror itself. The most vivid thing I remember from this horror movie is suddenly coming out of the bathroom to find him blowing his nose loudly with…. Yuck!!! Not a handkerchief. He was using the inner clothing that people wear before they wear their trousers. And he was using the part that normally faces that part of the body that you use when you visit the toilet for a long time. Yuck!!! Not that the guy could not afford a handkerchief (They are 10 bob with some hawkers in town). That little incident as you can imagine, put me off anything remotely interesting the guy may have done between the sheets, although I can promise you, it wasn’t much.

Long John’s problem was as the name suggests, the fact that he was way too long. And as women would know, long people cause pain rather than pleasure. I know porn sites attract millions displaying these “tools” that are more suited to donkeys and horses rather than humans but that is not the way things are in real life. I guess John would have been okay if he was sensitive enough to realize that his length was abnormal because there is plenty that can be done to solve the problem. Instead his greatest joy was going all the way inside, thus causing considerable agony every time. You see this is one game where the adage no pain no gain, does NOT apply.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

The 5 lousiest lays of my life

Guest post by avid Udaku reader

This post is dedicated to the 5 lousiest lays I have ever had hoping that at least some of them read Udaku and will read and learn.

I can tell you from experience that what you see is definitely not what you get. I once met this very hot-looking chic in Westlands. She was older than me I could tell but my oh my, did she have a body or what? She always had her crimson-red-lip-ticked lips apart and I found that quite a turn on. So I turned on my charm and played all the tricks I knew in the book and some from outside the book. And so we ended up at her apartment somewhere in Westlands and my excitement reached fever pitch.

But then what followed was maybe the greatest disappointment between the sheets that I have ever had. Everything she did between the sheets was a serious “turn off.” She was just there, silent as a tomb, I might as well have been making love to a statue or doll. She did not even cuddle close to me when the ordeal was finally over. I tried everything I knew but there was little or no response. I hurriedly left the next morning and to date that woman is still a puzzle. She wins my top award for my lousiest lay ever.

Then there was Mary the bragger. She talked a lot about sex and as most women know, that is a big turn on for men. And naturally she easily got turned on by my sex pep talk. We ended up at a small hotel near the night spot where we met. She faked everything which made it very disgusting. Not only the orgasm but what she said as we did it was straight from some old movie which was a big turn off. Heck, this was the real thing, we were not making some second rate movie. She kept on saying “give it to me.” Yuck. A silver to you Mary for being the second lousiest lay of my long career.

For some reason whenever I finished making love to this number 3 woman I always felt like throwing up. I am not sure why. She was a lousy lay alright. She just opened her mouth wide when she reached orgasm. However she did not do much else to excite a man. Maybe it was a mistake to have done anything with her in the first place. But I guess it was a very dry night and she was available and I was terribly horny. She did not have a body and certainly she did not have the looks and they say Nyanza women are hot. Huh!!

Number 4 goes to this tall slender woman whom I shall call quickie. The problem was that she did not seem to know that most men like to savour the moments immediately after orgasm. She would quickly push me off and go to the bathroom. I never understood what the mad rush to the bathroom was all about. And then there was the fact that she reached orgasm way too fast, faster than a chicken which made things worse because the whole thing would end up being a mad rush. Haraka haraka haina baraka.

Last but certainly not least is Rose petticoat. This woman would undress everything but keep her white petticoat on. To be honest, at first I thought it was quite a turn on until it was all over and she quickly pulled it back in place to hide that part of her body. She was obviously not aware that men like to see to be turned on. I am not sure what she was hiding. Was it something she did not want me to see? I found the petticoat business very boring.

There those are the 5 lousiest lays I have ever had. Hopefully some of them will read this and realize why I never showed up again.

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Father who fell in love with his own daughter

Money it seems sometimes has a funny effect on the brains of those who make plenty of it.

I have in mind the sick bizarre story that you will be told if you ask any old hand at the famous Dagoretti slaughterhouse about the billionaire who had a love affair with his own daughter.

Residents of the area still scratch their heads in wonder and ask themselves many questions as to what the problem may have been. The billionaire would have had any woman he wanted and yet he found that there was no other he could love romantically except his own blood daughter.

This billionaire never went to school but from a humble beginning managed to build a vast business empire to become one of the richest people ever in the history of Nairobi.

He built a very large mansion fit for a king in Karen and forbade any of his two wives (including his daughter’s mother) from ever setting foot in the place. The woman of that house was of course his very own beautiful daughter. After their busy days father and daughter would arrive there in their separate cars for companionship and passionate love-making at night. It is said that the servants in the mansion were few and were discouraged from discussing what they saw at the house. In fact a few were dismissed for their loose tongues.

But even in this the billionaire made a huge miscalculation because this gossip tale was irresistible and word was bound to get out. And it did.

The billionaire’s daughter already had a child from a previous liaison whom she sent to boarding school when he was very young but mercifully never got pregnant from her own father.

Incidentally she died a very violent death in the hands of some trigger-happy carjackers. The father could not bear life without the love of his life and quickly followed her to the grave. He left behind a huge fortune which is still being enjoyed by his relieved wives and their children.

Get 5000 people to see your product or service, you DON’T need a website and its’ ALL FREE
…And after that get 1,000,000 more hits for FREE

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Famous Kenyan Musician beds mother and daughter

Increasingly it seems that younger men have a great preference for older women when it comes to choosing lovers. Admittedly they hardly ever marry them, but that is another topic for another day.

For now we need to concentrate on answering the question why younger men prefer older women. Why would a nice young man want to go for a pot-bellied, sagging body, fat old woman?

Some observers would say that we are asking the question the wrong way round. We should instead ask why older women prefer younger men. After all they are the ones who have been very aggressive in going all out for younger men, giving them all sorts of cash inducements and incentives to go to bed with them.

One 25 year old Kenyan interviewed by this writer says that having a relationship with women closer to his own age has become increasingly complicated. He says that he fears them because they are looking for commitment like yesterday which a young man is obviously not prepared for.

“Wana ni-bore na stories zao za marriage.” (they bore me with their great desire to get married).

Interestingly I know that younger women’s complaint about Kenyan men is that they are only interested in sex and are extremely insensitive to the real needs of a woman. Clearly the two are on a collision course here.

The fact that older women are usually independent financially and just looking for a good time has made them very attractive to younger men. But there is something else that most men find very difficult to admit. And that is the fact that most of these relationships are centred around the issue of cash. The older mamas are generous with their cash at a time when many well educated younger men are jobless and desperate.

Whatever the reasons, the actions of one famous well-known musician have left many Kenyans in deep shock. The musician in question got married recently. However before that he disgusted some of his fans who knew about his escapades, by dating a mother and her daughter and at the same time. It is said that he would receive generous cash rewards for “his services” from the mother of a very beautiful girl and he would then shamelessly spend some of that cash on the daughter of the woman as he also went to bed with her. It is not clear whether either of the two women knew about each other.

The musician told some of his close friends that the mother was a much better performer than her daughter.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

How beautiful girls date but remain virgins for their wedding night

Zanzibar is a beautiful island state with a rich history that is part of the United Republic of Tanzania. Just the place to go for a memorable holiday at very affordable rates.

One of the things about Zanzibar is the strict code of conduct based on Islam that everybody has to adhere to. Tourists are even warned not to dare walk around in their bikinis. However not everything is what it seems to be to the casual observer. A beautiful woman known to this writer and now married to a Kenyan man reveals the deeply hidden secrets of the isles.

Most Zanzibari girls must be virgins when they get married and many times this has to be proved on the wedding night. Amazingly a huge percentage of them are. But that doesn’t make sense considering what they usually get up to.

I have had the opportunity of holidaying on the island at least twice and both times I have observed young girls doing all sorts of things that young girls do. Many times because of their strict parents, they will head to the beach to practice their disco dancing moves and of course they have boyfriends whom they go with. They even spend some nights at their boyfriend’s houses and you don’t want to tell me that nothing sexual happens.

So all this puzzled me until this woman friend of mine spilled the beans. She was born and brought up in Zanzibar, so there is no corner she does not know and no insider secrets that are secrets to her.

What girls do is that they move around with their boyfriends but engage only in anal sex. In this way they are able to keep themselves “virgins” for the D-Day.

You can be sure that as a result, Zanzibari girls are much sought after for marriage and true enough any test will prove that those strikingly beautiful girls, some with Arab features are mostly virgins. And the hypocritical typical man pays top price for “the merchandise” believing that it is pure.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Picking up decent women on the streets

There are some very strange things that go on in this planet all the time… really strange.

Can you imagine meeting somebody on the matatu for the very first time and then after chatting for a few minutes, both of you alight and head to the nearest lodging house for hours of passionate sex? This is exactly what a Kenyan man did in Dar-es-salaam, Tanzania. He assures me that it happens all the time. He even insists that he has done it many times in Dar-es-salaam. What about Nairobi, I ask him? He says it is a little more complicated here and adds the rider that women are not as temptingly beautiful here as they are in Jakaya Kikwete’s country.

I am really not sure what to think because another Kenyan friend tells me that she was minding her own business one evening on the streets of Moshi, Tanzania waiting for a friend when this man came along and greeted her cheerfully. He then proceeded to ask her if she would be willing to come over to his house right away for a visit. It was rather obvious what the man wanted. Naturally my friend was outraged and could hardly believe what she was hearing.

But I am told this habit of asking for sex in the streets is rampant in the West. Of course it tends to cash in on the fact that there are some towns and cities in many places where there are not too many people from Africa. So naturally when you see a fellow African on the streets, you will tend to get extremely excited. So men cash in on this excitement to invite women into their houses for sex. And sometimes the women say, yes.

Of course we already know through real life stories on this site that men pick up women fairly regularly in upcountry buses in Kenya and some even have sex inside these buses under cover of darkness as they hurtle towards their destinations.

What is the world coming to?

Horrors of what Husbands do with their wives

If you have met any Kenyan who went to India for his university education, then you will quickly realize that India is a crazy country to live in. Most of these guys come back very different people and too many of them are alcoholics and wrecks in life.

If you try and talk to some of them about their experiences in India, you will quickly find that this is a subject that they do not want to discuss.

One of them did open up a little to me about what he saw some poor Indian husbands doing with their wives in that vast country. Something that haunted him for a long time. I suspect that he made use of the services that were offered and later felt very guilty about it.

Smiling Indian men would come with their beautiful young wives to where Kenyan students were known to live. The poverty stricken man would then offer his wife to the students. You can imagine the poor man seated outside even as he hears the noise of the springs on the bed inside the room as the robust Kenyan “works” on his wife. Indeed I am reliably informed that most Asians (apart from Singhs) are a wee bit weak in bed. So in some cases some of the wives would begin to enjoy the encounter and their moans could be heard by the husband seated humbly outside.

Finally the Kenyan would then emerge out of the room and count a few rupees into the grateful hands of the smiling husband who would then take his wife along to knock on yet another Kenyan door. A few times some sympathetic Kenyans would give the Asians some money to go away without taking up “the offer.”

That is shocking India for you.

Very very sick story this one. But 1000 per cent true.

Friday, July 25, 2008

What did you say after the first sex encounter?

Everything has gone just perfectly and the object of your desire is finally in your arms for those passionate moments. When it is over you feel great and feelings of love, emotion and all those other things that women feel are almost choking you.

What do you say?

Many women find themselves uttering those no-no-words; I love you.

And what reaction would you expect from the man? Applause? Or perhaps what you see in the movies, his eyes shining back at you with passion and affection?


Instead you will get that unmistakable look. You see it in rats when they have been trapped by a swift cat. Or rabbits in danger and about to bolt. It is the look of fear. Or in a 7 year old child when they forgot to do their homework. Keep your eyes on the face and not the words. Because whatever words he utters are really meaningless. For all intents and purposes his mind is at that time racing furiously, figuring out how he will get so busy that you will not see him again. The only time he will have is for another roll in the sack (depending of course on how good you were).

So what did you say after the first sexual encounter with a man or woman you really loved?

Let us sample a few typical famous first words;

“Wow.” (both men and women).

Big sigh (both men and women. This can have two very different possible meanings. That is relief that the tiresome physical activity that bored them to death is finally over. Or it could mean it was so great that words cannot describe it.)

“Where have you been all my life?” (usually from women, previously frustrated by lousy lovers.)

“Promise, never leave me.” (from women overwhelmed by emotions. Why would you want a useless meaningless promise that will never be kept anyway?)

“I am hungry.” (both men and women. Usually means that the sex was lousy and this is a quick exit strategy because the next thing they will suggest is eating out at a nice restaurant they know. However some people do usually, genuinely feel hungry after sex. A few.)

“Do you mind of I watch the news?” (Usually men. This clearly means, it was a disaster, unless of course they are actually appearing in the news that day, or the earn a living from the news).

“If I ever catch you with another woman, I will cut off that thing.” (another meaningless threat from a woman who has just had a great time.)

Let me end with the classic one that comes from both men and women and confirms that folks are in way too much of a hurry these days to jump into the sack.

“Sorry, what did you say your name was?”

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Mad woman who got pregnant too many times

This is the very sad story of a young girl who was so brilliant that folks in the village got jealous. It is a stark reminder of just how cruel the world we live in can be.

While growing up Zipporah was the joy of her single mother. She was intelligent and had so much wisdom that other women would flock into their house just to listen to the amazing understanding that came out of her.

It is said that several people warned Zipporah’s mother to quit “exposing” her daughter in such a way because not everybody wished her and her daughter well. But alas she did not listen because she believed that those who were giving her the advice were themselves jealous.

One day Zipporah’s mother had a terrible misunderstanding with a certain woman in the village. They say that it had something to do with the cash that women usually collect in groups. The woman even assured Zipporah’s mother in front of many witnesses that she would live to regret that particular day for many years to come.

Shortly after that encounter, Zipporah who was about to finish high school (where all the teachers had predicted she would have absolutely no problem getting into university) fell sick. She was taken to hospital but her situation got worse and the next thing her mother knew was that she had totally lost her mind. At first it was assumed that this had been caused by a Malaria attack or something and that she would end up recovering. Instead what happened was that the fever went down and she recovered everywhere else except in her mind.

Zipporah’s mother took her precious daughter to every specialist she could find and afford with her minimal resources selling charcoal in the village. Nothing happened. Mercifully a pastor from Tanzania who visited the village prayed for the young girl and she improved slightly. That means she became a little more clean and stopped passing feaces and urine on herself. But she was still not mentally stable and this new condition created another serious problem.

Men in the village shopping centre started inviting her for “mandazi”. And the thing is that this mandazi was only available after night fall and never during broad daylight. Zipporah soon got pregnant and the minute she gave birth to a very handsome young boy her mother gave the child away. But barely had Zipporah recovered, she got pregnant again and this time the mother decided to take her for an abortion. She then had her tubes blocked by doctors so that she would never be able to conceive again.

Today if you go to the small village in central Kenya where Zipporah and her mother live, you will be shocked. Zipporah is approaching 30 years of age and she’s as beautiful as ever. It is not that easy for a new comer to notice her condition. She smiles a lot and this leads to many invitations for “mandazi eating” sessions after dark.

The poor girl is a stark reminder of what the world we live in can be. A brilliant girl who attracted jealousy and ended up in the sad state she is in today.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Bride accuses husband of trying to have sex with her during honeymoon

Most of us Africans were brought up to believe that sex is “bad manners” and a terribly dirty thing we should stay away from.

A story is told about this young couple who got married and went off to their honeymoon. The church pastor was devastated when opening his office on the following Monday morning he found the young couple waiting to see him. There was obviously a big problem here. These were not the two happily smiling people he had seen off to their honeymoon, barely two days before. The old pastor had seen many things including lighting speed divorces. But this one was a new experience for him. He could not get it off his mind that he had officiated over their wedding the previous Saturday and this was Monday morning.

When they had all settled in his office, he enquired what the problem might be. The young man was fuming and retorted in a voice the pastor had never heard, “Ask this crazy girl!”

Finally the young girl blurted out: “Imagine pastor, he actually wanted to have sex with me.”

I am assured that this is a true story that happened in some church in neighboring Tanzania.

There is yet another even sadder tale.

This man had such a serious psychological problem about sex and how “dirty” it was that in several years of marriage his own wife had never seen him completely naked. He always had his boxers on. During sex he would just make a little room for his tool to come out and do the necessary and then he would quickly dress when it was all over feeling very guilty and ashamed of himself. To make matters worse this couple would very rarely have sex. It seems that the reason was that they would only have sex when the man succumbed to the temptation of having sex, otherwise he would fight off any desire he felt all the time. I am not joking my dears. So when the wife noticed this she made an effort to tempt the man more often (which is very easy for a woman to do). She was successful but this created a deeper rift in the marriage because the man was always so upset that he was doing the “dirty thing” much too frequently.

What about the case where the wife was never seen naked by the husband. Sex would be in pitch darkness always, and she would change in the bathroom or lock him out of the bedroom when she needed to remove her clothes.

There are plenty more humorous honeymoon stories but let me finish with this one about the bride who was terribly traumatized when she saw an erect, “bulging” “snake” coming towards her complete with a mouth that she expected to spit deadly poison the very next minute or even possibly bite her. She hid under the bed and started crying. It took a lot of counseling to convince her that what she had seen was normal and what every bride saw on their honeymoon. She was repeatedly told that it is in fact a much bigger tragedy when that “snake” does not bulge during the honeymoon and remains limp despite all efforts.

"Wacha amalize horror" at Hilton Bus stop

To most men the crime of rape is one big joke.

Nothing illustrates this better than an incident that took place on the streets of Nairobi some years back.

The scene of all places was the usually very crowded Hilton Bus stop. There used to be a mad man who used to regularly roam the place and mostly terrorize women.

One day at around 5 pm as Nairobians were making their way from work to catch their bus home at the very popular bus stage, my informant could not believe her eyes.

The mad man (whose name was Onyango, if my memory serves me right) was ontop of a smartly dressed woman raping her right there in the bus stop in front of everybody. Clearly there was very little the poor woman could do because you may have heard that mad men are usually very strong. A few men tried to rush forward to pull the man off the woman but they were kept at bay by some men who had cordoned off the scene determined that nothing should interfere with their “free movie.”

“Wacha amaliza kwanza” the well meaning men were told by the amused mostly youth who were watching the whole thing with awe as the dirty mad man pounded away at the smartly dressed woman right there on the pavement of the busiest bus stop in Nairobi city.

My informant has no idea what happened next or whether Onyango “alimaliza” because they shielded the curious eyes of the two children they were with at the time and hurriedly left the scene.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Barren woman goes for naïve schoolboy in last desperate attempt

There is nothing sadder in this life than a woman who badly wants kids feeling that she is running out of time.

Such is the irony of life because when women are younger they work very hard to avoid getting pregnant.

Anyway Stella had been married not once before and not twice, but three different times. To three different men who loved her until they realized that she could not give birth. She was approaching her 40s and despite visiting every specialist in town and even a witchdoctor or two, she had still not managed to conceive. She badly wanted a child and yet time was not on her side.

That is when an interesting job offer came up. A woman who knew her love for children recommended her saying she loved children very much, more so because she deeply desired them but had never had any of her own.

There was this wealthy family in Muthaiga, Nairobi where the woman of the house had just died while giving birth. The child had survived but the family needed somebody to dedicate themselves to caring for the child through that very sensitive early stage. Money was not the problem. They just wanted somebody who was dedicated enough.

Stella accepted. She needed the money anyway and she was also certain that it was a job that she would do well. It was true that she really loved children.

Doctors at Nairobi hospital carefully briefed Stella for 2 days before she was allowed to take the child home to Muthaiga. They emphasized the fact that above everything else the child would need to be loved. Love was more important than food and Stella would have to give that child plenty of motherly love otherwise the chances of survival would be very slim. Stella was shocked but took the responsibility very seriously.

Indeed things seemed to go very well and the child grew healthy and normally despite the fact that his mother had died shortly after he was born. The family members were very happy with this development. Especially the first born boy at the home who was doing his Standard eight exams. The death of his mother had naturally affected him badly and the last thing he wanted was for his small brother to follow her to the grave.

Now it is a well known fact that young boys are over-sexed and can very easily get a woman pregnant. Any woman, that is and not just a fellow school companion who happens to be female.

It is not clear exactly when Stella started to get her bizarre idea but it was very soon a well known fact that she was sleeping with the 15 year old boy. Many who did not know her past history did not understand her chief motivation for doing what is in fact a criminal offence, seducing and sleeping with a minor. Neither did the young boy understand until years later why Stella used to scream at him to make her pregnant at the critical hour as he emptied himself inside her.

Of course word got back to the man of the house and he found himself in a very difficult position. He did not want to risk the toddler that his dear wife had left behind during child-birth. He was too scared to do anything despite his misgivings and so he allowed the affair to continue for over 2 years.

Surprisingly the boy ended up doing very well in his exams and qualified to go to an excellent national school. Stella’s idea never quite produced the results that she had hoped for and she never got pregnant. In fact she passed on without ever giving birth to the child she so desperately desired. The young boy who was left by the mother is today a senior bank executive in a Mombasa bank and is doing very well.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Sex Olympics: And The Men’s Gold Goes To...

We have already seen the fierce competition that went on in the previous post (yesterday) as we awarded bronze and silver medals in the men’s event of the sex Olympics (Kenyan edition). Indeed many readers were puzzled because it would seem that all the top contenders were featured. So surely who else was left to take the gold?

Today we conclude this event by awarding the coveted gold medal to the champion. The community that beats all others hands down. My final results here are based on exhaustive interviews and consultations with those who should know.

I hereby award the gold medal to Ugandan men.

My, oh my. These men have no competition to speak of as far as the gold medal is concerned. They are well aware of the fact that sex does not start between the sheets. I need to emphasize the fact that this is exactly what Kenyan men seem to think and that is why they fall short.

A Ugandan man firstly knows how to treat a woman long before any sex happens. And that starts with a lot of respect. However this does not mean that they are “Yes men.” Far from it. These guys can be pretty firm and even stubborn about certain aspects. But never in a bad way or in a way that undermines their women. No way!

Not to forget the fact that unlike Kenyan men Ugandans know what a candle lit dinner really is and accordingly they put this important event in its’ proper place and treat it like foreplay to the action. That is exactly what it should be.

Come to think of it these guys dive into foreplay the minute they are interested and they do it without touching you or being offensive. They use words, looks, gestures and so on. By the time the action moves between the sheets a woman is more than ready. And then they will move to other things like kissing and touching and generally doing things that will drive any woman crazy.

Indeed the Ugandans take gold without tying with anybody as we have seen happening with the silver and bronze medals in the previous post.

Congratulations guys, you really do deserve it.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Sex Olympics: The men’s event

Yesterday (the previous post) we dealt with the lady’s event where the Kamba lasses easily took gold with little resistance from any other competitors. The judges’ decision was wildly cheered by the audience and as you can see from the comments, nobody is disputing them.

However the men’s event is bound to kick up much more controversy, especially in terms of who takes gold. Although the judge’s decision is final and no appeals will be entertained whatsoever, as always I will welcome your views na roho safi.

Luo men seem to understand women pretty well. They also know how to dress, no doubt about that and as you know a woman begins to fall in love with what she sees first. Little wonder that most Luo men have no problem attracting a long string of girl friends. However when serious business starts, they tend to fall short. I think the main problem is that they seem to be still trying to put on a show. Bedroom matters have little room for pretence or showing off which just spoils everything.

For this reason, they do not even qualify for the medal bracket.

Mention Luhya men to some women and their temperatures start to immediately rise considerably. Can you blame the ladies? I don’t think so. These guys are well-built, well endowed and have the stamina of two bulls or more. And since the event we are talking about here is usually a very physical one that will tend to last much, much, longer than the time it takes to run the 3000 metres steeplechase (both in a disastrously slow time or in record time), these qualities serve the Luhya well.

Still they will not carry away the bronze just like that. There are Coast men breathing down their necks. For your information Coastarians have a worldwide reputation now in sex athletics. Just stop any old German woman in the streets of Berlin or Stuttgart and ask her about them. Or look for any old but rich Italian woman with most of her teeth gone in Milan or any other Italian city and she will roll her eyes upwards when you remind them of the Coast boys in Kenya. Chances are that she will even kiss her fingers loudly to express her opinion (if you can’t speak good Italian). In fact many of them will already have one of those for their personal use at home. These guys are the real unsung heroes of Kenyans remarkable tourism industry. Officially they don’t exist but the truth is that tourists flock into Kenya for a different kind of wild game than what is claimed by the Ministry of tourism.

Folks the race here is too close and too tight to call and I am forced to award the bronze medal to both Luhya and Coast men. Congratulations to both.

The race for silver is ever closer and it is between Kamba men and the Masai. Sex for the Kamba has been a serious sport for centuries. Just listen to their music and watch the way they dance to it. Have you ever heard of a slow Kamba song? Get the drift? When a Kamba man falls in love with a Kamba woman, the bed springs will suffer vibaya (these guys prefer to use the old small and narrow spring safari beds for the event, I am not sure why, but the reason could be that wood tends to break if excessive sustained pressure is applied or is it to make music with the springs at the same time?) But even more amazing is that it is said that in another of their many variations, A Kamba man can also carry out a conversation with his Kamba woman even as sex is going on and if you were in the next room you would never think that there is anything more than an ordinary tete-a-tete happening, assuming that a spring bed is not in use in this case.

Many Kenyan women are yet to discover the Maasai. Maybe it is because they don’t smell too nice. But European and American women already know what Masai men can do apart from killing lions with only a spear. These women have discovered another Masai spear that literally kills powerful mzungu women. There was this Swiss woman who came into the country as a tourist having already been advised to look for a Masai to cool down her fires. She met one and after “sampling” the illiterate man who drunk too much and had never used deodorant in his life, her next actions astounded everybody. She dumped her fellow mzungu boyfriend and went back home and sold her prosperous business and came back to Kenya to live with the guy in the village in some manyatta. She just went crazy for him. By the way the guy was already married to another Masai and had to dump her for the mzungu. They gave birth to a daughter together. They are now divorced and the woman is a best-selling author writing books that sing the praises of Masai men and selling them to sexually-starved mzungu women.

Or consider the case of this mzungu who lives with her Masai husband somewhere in Nanyuki. They have been married for a number of years now but on most days the woman comes out in the morning to wait for her husband to come off duty (I am NOT kidding). She just can’t wait to be under his body and at the mercy of his marvelous tool. You see the Masai secret has something to do with the way they are circumcised. Plenty of flesh is left hanging on one side and this has the effect of enhancing friction and contact with a woman’s clitoris. The result is sophisticated European women losing their minds to the extent where they stop thinking straight.

Silver is another tie between the Kamba and the Masai. I award silver to both.

To be continued Tomorrow: The nagging question is after this quality fierce competition of today, who the hell will take the men’s gold in this event?

Read what others say about Masai men and mzungu women.