Related Posts with Thumbnails
Looking for a date... quick? Checkout the brand new dating site full of surprises, Carol Nyege speed dating. You'll love it!!

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Terrible problem that has caused him never to date women

It is often said that if you were to get people to trade their problems, chances are high that after a very short while most would ask to be given back their own problems because they would find those of others totally unbearable.

Nick has a problem that is both unbearable and probably totally unsolvable.

When other me stare at women's physical attributes as they pass by, Nick will look the other way, totally intimidated. Many times Nick’s good looks have earned him attention from the fairer sex but he has never shown any interest in dating them. Even when some of the more bolder ones have asked him bluntly for a date, Nick has always been horrified and has turned down all such advances.

And it is not that he prefers men. In fact Nick would love nothing more than to get married to a nice girl and settle down. After all he is not getting any younger and is already rapidly approaching his mid thirties.

So what is this problem that Nick has that makes him terrified of women? Actually it is simply the size of his manhood. The so-called all important tool of love. Nick is so small in the department that once when he was very young and still believed that size is not everything, a girlfriend who saw it cruelly asked; “Now what can I do with that small thing?” And that was after she had had a really good laugh.

Just imagine for a moment all the procedures that go into a moment of passion and then imagine a woman ready and passionate for action suddenly having a mood change and breaking out into huge peels of laughter?

Nick had been so hurt by those encounters that these days he did not bother at all to date women. He avoided it like the plague.

One advantage that it has had in his life is that by avoiding the social life and concentrating on his career and profession, Nick has managed to make great strides. Today he has a very good job and he’s doing very well financially, but alas the size of that thing just messes his whole life.

Not that Nick has not tried everything he knows how. Including those so-called solutions that litter people’s email addresses. However nothing so far has worked and it is like he has given up.

This is the kind of problem that can cause a man to take his own life, but my hope and prayer is that Nick will somehow one day soon, find happiness.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Honeymoon night shock for eager widow

Lydia had been a widow for over 20 years and in all that time had been a serious churchgoer. She was sure that it would otherwise have been impossible for her to have survived and brought up her children successfully without the support and love of the church.

But you can be sure that life always has many twists and turns and even when she was a grandmother in her mid-50s it seemed that she could still turn heads. Still it was real big surprise to her when a man younger than her by about two years who had lost his wife 5 years earlier approached her for marriage.

Lydia’s first reaction was to laugh the whole thing off. But it seemed that the man, whom we shall call Gilbert was very serious. Soon the pastor of the church was being involved in very talks and negotiations. She was called and asked about the matter and if she would be agreeable to the idea of getting married to Gilbert. Lydia was still in a daze and she asked for some time to go and think about the issue.

Since her husband had died over 20 years previously, Lydia had never had sex. Yet she was human and despite her age she still felt the desire on some lonely cold nights. And so despite the fact that Gilbert was not really her type, she thought that it was possible for her to learn to love him as he was.

The other concern was her children who were all grown now with the last born, a girl being 23 years old. Lydia called all of them for a meeting dreading the whole thing and preparing lengthy arguments for her case. But to her surprise her children were all very supportive and wanted their mother to be happy.

So Lydia happily went back to the pastor and informed him that she had no objection to being married off to Gilbert.

The wedding was quickly organized and Lydia prepared herself for the day. She had hoped that before then she would get a chance to get to know Gilbert better, however that was not to be because he seemed so busy with the arrangements (or was he eliberately avoiding her?). He had a very large family with scores of grandchildren and he wanted all of them to attend, he told Lydia.

Time flew and the wedding day arrived.

The ceremony was memorable and was of great encouragement to all those girls who were getting older but were still yet to be married. If a grandmotjer close to 55 years old could get married, then surely it was possible for anybody to get married. The honeymoon had been planned for a beautiful beach hotel in South Coast, Mombasa and Lydia could hardly wait.

They got there and went straight to the room where Gilbert promptly started his stories. At first Lydia assumed that the wily old man was teasing and creating a little excitement for what she knew was to follow. But as the minutes turned into 2 hours, Lydia started being suspicious that the man could be stalling.

Finally she decided to move things along quicker and announced that she was exhausted and would like to rest. She went into the bathroom to undress and change into her sexy nightdress which she had chosen very carefully for just this night. In her view it was the kind of nightdress that would awaken the long dead. She was sure that if this did not work then Gilbert was surely not a man.

Sure enough when she walked back into the room she could tell that Gilbert’s eyes lit up appreciatively. She got into the bed where Gilbert soon joined her.

But nothing happened. The man just hugged her and kissed her gently on the forehead but did not go further.

Lydia was now angry. What sort of creep and weirdo had she married, she wondered?

Sadly she was soon to discover that the man for some strange reason did not function, at least not to the level where he could do what husbands are supposed to do a lot of during honeymoons.

Lydia tried to help Gilbert by getting various medications for him and even booked an appointment for both of them to see the pastor. Gilbert missed that appointment and appeared not to be interested in solving the problem or even talking about it.

So why had he married Lydia, surely?

That is one mystery that will clearly never be solved because after only 2 years of a “strange” marriage where they mostly stayed apart, Gilbert passed on suddenly and went to the grave with his secrets.

Folks have come up with various theories more so because where Gilbert came from, was considered a serious witchcraft country. Others even said he had previously been a homosexual. There are those who believe that men who become “female” homosexuals quickly lose their ability to rise to the occasion. But all those are speculative theories and it is clear that this is one puzzle that will never be resolved.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Why men are the cruelest “animals”

They say that old habits die hard, even when they greatly offend others.

Stella was beautiful by any standards and the kind of woman who made a man’s heart race and body temperature climb considerably. This is despite the fact that she was in her mid-30s and had already given birth to two children with a man she was already separated from.She naturally enjoyed the effect she had on men and took full advantage of it.

One habit she could never resist was that of teasing men. She would go on dates and drink her expensive wine like a fish. All the time she would encourage her male host that all was well and that she was his for the night. Men are really fascinating creatures. When they are assured of a woman’s favors later in the night, the wallet usually opens wide and the cash flows like water from the Masinga Dam.

Stella would put up her show well and many are the times when she would even allow some of her dates to touch her a little. Men are obsessed with women’s breasts and this would cause some of them to literally drool in anticipation.

All this would happen and then as they made their way out of the joint to the car park, Stella would swiftly wave goodbye and as her date gaped, she would get a taxi and disappear leaving a very angry frustrated, turned on man behind.

It is one thing for a woman to play hard to get, but it is quite another for her to tease and lead men on when she knows very well that her real intentions are the very opposite of what she is portraying. And then many Kenyan women have read too many novels and assume that African men think like those men in the Mills and Boon romance tales. A vast majority of Kenyan men mostly want only one thing from a woman and everything else they do is pretence and play acting.

So after a while of putting up this kind of show, Stells accumulated a fairly large group of angry men in Mombasa. And somehow some of them got to know each other and started discussing this woman who treated men like trash and got them to spend their hard-earned cash on her for nothing.

And it seems that the more these men discussed Stella and her antics, the angrier they got. One thing led to another and soon they were planning sweet revenge. They wanted to teach the woman a lesson that she would never forget.

One of the men was used as the bait and a date was fixed for a Friday (Stella’s preferred day of the week for her antics). Stella knew the man as a previous “victim” but this did not raise any suspicion in her. Men did not like to give up and it amused her that quite often they came back for even more “punishment” believing that somehow they may be able to turn on the charm successfully, the second or even third time round.

Stella as usually ordered her expensive wine while the man stuck to beer. And as usual she ordered chicken and later on in the evening sandwiches. Still she could not help noticing that the man was oddly reserved and did not say too much. She knew how her dates usually started behaving after the third beer. But this guy just took sipped his drink quietly and did not say much. Even when she asked him upfront whether he would like “some action” later in return for his generosity and the great time he was showing her, he just laughed and said nothing. He was not even interested in holding her hand.

Stella concluded that here was a man who had finally learnt his lesson and that Mombasa would be a much better place if many more men learnt how to behave.

But Stella also noticed something else. The wine she was drinking tasted a little odd and the effect that it was having on her was even stranger. She seemed to be getting very drunk very quickly. She quickly decided that she would have to leave a little early because she sensed she was going to black out and she got up to leave only for the floor to quickly rush at her face. Luckily her date was alert and quick and held her before she fell. He then escorted her to a taxi and she was grateful that he did not get in with her but instead made sure that she was comfortable and then shut the door.

But unknown to Stella the taxi driver had already been paid handsomely and given careful instructions on exactly what to do. Then her date followed behind in another taxi. The taxi drove to some lodging near Kiembeni in the North Coast. By this time Stella was in a stupor and not in control at all.

She was helped into a room where the man shut the door and made a call on his cell phone. Within minutes 5 other men had arrived and crowded into the room. They took videos of her naked and even in the act. The six men then raped her several times to their fill.

At around 5 am they had all had enough fun and they left Stella in the room alone. However they also took her cell phone and all the cash she had inside her handbag.

It took more than 2 days for the effects of the drugs that had been put in her wine to wear off. Stella was angry and wanted to go to the police. After all she knew her date and even his telephone number. But something stopped her. Somebody sent her a crazy email warning her not to dare go to the police. Bu even crazier was the attachment to the email. They were photographs of her naked and even in the act. Her face was very clearly visible. One was even a crazy close up of her most private parts. Stella wondered how she had posed for such an obscene clip. She was told that the minute any cop was seen anywhere near her date, the video from which the still photos she had been extracted from would be distributed for free all over Mombasa, Nairobi and the country at large. Stella would be famous beyond her wildest dreams.

That stopped Stella dead in her tracks.

Today she no longer dates men. In fact she has a phobia for all men that will be difficult to ever cure. She did not imagine that these trouser-clad creatures can be such animals capable of doing things that are much crueler than even what the wildest animal at any national park in Kenya and beyond is capable of.

Monday, May 26, 2008

Desperate relatives’ "brilliant idea" to get body home for burial

African beliefs are such that the dead are more respected than the living. And this means that when a person dies, it is unthinkable for most folks to bury that person far away from home to at least save on expenses. Instead they will indulge in endless fund raising efforts to raise the king’s ransom required to transport a body home for burial.

This belief is what caused a most bizarre incident to take place in a public bus a few years ago that left passengers numb with the shock. This family of a deceased person tried everything they could to raise enough cash to transport a body to Western Kenya, but failed.
The committee sat down and racked their collective brains but could still not find a solution. That was until one of them came up with the craziest of ideas. At first close friends and relatives of the deceased laughed it off, however with the mortuary fees accumulating daily and the funds running low, they did not laugh for long.

The corpse was heavily dressed and a hat put over the head. The conductor of the night bus to a popular Western Kenya destination was told that "the man" being carried into the bus was very sick (but nothing contagious).

Sadly in those days there were no seat belts which would have greatly assisted in the success of this mission impossible. So the "escort" sat next to the corpse and tried his best to look calm and collected as the bus made its’ way out of Nairobi headed for that popular Western Kenya destination. Had this crazy mission succeeded, friends and relatives of the deceased would have saved themselves a fortune that they did not have.

But alas, the escort seated next to the corpse got tired along the way and dozed off or was not as alert as they should have been. So when the bus driver applied emergency brakes, the corpse ended up on the floor. The cold body touched this lady’s legs under the seats and she screamed loudly in the bus.

Passengers were horrified to discover that the bus was carrying a corpse amongst living passengers. In fact they were so infuriated that they ordered the bus driver to drive into the nearest police station which was in Naivasha where "the escort" and his corpse were dropped off as the bus continued on its’ journey. Our informant never found out what became of the corpse and its’ escort because the story never even appeared in the daily newspapers. Which means that chances are that nobody was charged with anything.

Talk about desperate measures for desperate situations.

Friday, May 23, 2008

Why Are LAdies Taking Their Panties To Witchdoctors?

White men and women are a juicy catch for a lot of Kenyans both male and female. Meeting one may well mean a ticket to wild riches. This is especially so if one meets an old divorced white man or woman whom the young men and girls in their original countries will not touch.

Whereas in the past anyone wishing for a white partner had to physically go to the clubs and beaches to look for them or get introduced by a friend or broker, these days the internet has made it much easier. There are hundreds of dating agencies online and meeting the man or woman of the specific characteristics and age you desire is now just a click away. But you may be surprised to learn that not everyone is taking advantage of the internet to meet the men and women of their dreams. Some have opted to go through the traditional method of sending letters by post while they can get the same message across in an instant via internet. For some it’s because they’ve not embraced technology. But others have more sinister reasons that might surprise you.

You might think that witchcraft is becoming more and more uncommon among the young but in this business of looking for old white pensioners, it is very much rife. The reason why some people opt to send their letters via post is because it has to pass through a witchdoctor for some charms and ‘prayers’ before being posted. It is said that the letter is sent to the witch who stays with it for three days after which the sender can go for it and post. Together with the letter, the client must also give the witchdoctor her panties – she’s not allowed to give new ones but rather ones she has worn before. During these days, the letter and panties undergo all sorts of procedures before being returned to the owner along with the letter for posting. She posts just the letter and keeps her panties. It is said that on the last day before giving them back, the witchdoctor has to sleep on the panties as part of the ritual. This it’s said it to make the recipient of the letter want to come quickly and meet the writer of the letter.

It is impossible to do this with E-mails and chat rooms and that is why they have to take the long posta route.

Flashers - Perverts Or Just Insecure In Themselves?

With full permission from Susan who’s funny adventure we featured on this blog just yesterday, we can now reveal what actually happened after the flashing incident. The business deal she and Timothy were discussing was at such a stage that they had to get back together and finish it. They were both going to benefit immensely from it and there’s no way they could let it go. So they arranged another meeting but this time Susan did not want to go to his office. They met at a restaurant where she was sure he would not flash her.

But by this time she was more than curious about the guy. The more she thought about what she saw in his office the more curious she got about him. If she was being honest with herself, she wanted to know him a little more. The whole idea of flashing was obviously quite new to her and she realized it was actually quite a turn on. So she was surprised and a little disappointed when this time at the restaurant he acted very cordial and behaved like nothing had ever happened. By the end of the meeting she could not keep her curiosity to herself any longer and she asked him innocently what the ‘other day’ was all about. As if on cue, he asked her whether they could go to a more private place to discuss it further.

She had no objection. The guy was very handsome, successful and appealing and judging from what she saw the other day, he was quite well equipped. She was having some real hots for him by now. They went to a hotel room and as expected there was no discussion. They both knew by now that they were going to have sex and they did. He was not a sick mind who can only get it up by flashing at unsuspecting ladies. He was fully functional in bed and did not disappoint. But she noticed his need to have his manhood described over and over again. Now how do you describe someone’s manhood? Is it big? Is it nice? Did you feel it? Those are the kinds of questions he kept asking. He did not admit it but it seems despite all his success he’s rather insecure in himself. She tried to find out why he flashes but he seemed rather uncomfortable with that topic so she dropped it.

Susan says he need not be insecure because when it comes to sex, he delivers.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Perverted Man Flashes His Privates At The Ladies

If you thought weird fantasies and fetishes are only confined in the West, think again. We have some real perverts right here in Kenya too.

Timothy is one such. He’s a very successful businessman and seemingly an equally successful family man too. Like a lot of other men, he has an eye for the ladies except his is a bit different. He rarely asks to sleep with them. Timothy is a flasher. He seems to get his kicks from flashing his manhood in the face of unsuspecting females.

Susan had done a lot of business with him in the past. She visited his office one morning to seal a deal they’d discussed earlier. She made nothing of it when he asked her to move round to his side of the desk to view some ‘samples’ for a design they were about to do. After all there was a lot of mutual respect between them and in all the years they’d worked together, he never showed even the slightest hint of lust towards her. This day though unbeknown to her, behind his magnificent desk, Timothy had pulled his trousers and boxers down and his tool was in full view. Paralyzed by initial shock, she just stood there and stared at it, then at him and then at it again before her brains snapped back in place. She picked her handbag and fled.

Carol too had been through some of his perverted ways. She had been invited to a roof top party by a circle of friends and he was also among the invited guests. The washrooms were downstairs and with the drinks flowing, there was lots of traffic along the stairs. At one time when Carol was going down to the washrooms, Timothy followed her. When she heard him call her name she instinctively turned around. He was about 1 stair behind and that height difference worked out such that when she turned round, she came eyeball to eyeball with is aroused exposed tool.

It seems the official reaction is to stare because she too stared at it then up at him in disbelief and back at it as he got more and more aroused right before her eyes. Only the footsteps of someone else coming to the stairs yanked her brains back and she rushed downstairs. The interesting thing is that when doing what he does best, he never says a word. He just flashes his goods. And it seems the idea of an impending flash really turns him on because by the time he whips it out he’s usually already aroused. In the few seconds the ladies get shocked to the bone he pulls it back, zips up, and snaps back to his respectable persona. Maybe he goes to indulge in his fantasies later because he’s not known to sleep around. Or maybe he’s a really sick mind who can only get it up for flashing and not for any other real and more important reasons. Methinks he must have a very impressive whipping tool. Otherwise why would he go flashing it around?

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Guy Abandons His Family And Marries First Cousin

When Purity’s husband Francis brought his 23 year old cousin Rose to live with them in Nairobi, she thought nothing of it. Infact she was grateful. Being a nurse and sometimes working overnight shifts, she was glad there would be someone other than her house help to mind her 2 young kids when she was working at night. She was also secretly delighted because although she did not suspect anything yet, she always felt uneasy leaving Francis and the maid in the house whenever she went on night duty. Now she thought at least there would be someone to keep an eye on him. Rose on the other hand was coming to join a nearby college as a day scholar and Purity and her husband were more than willing to pay her fees.

Things worked out perfectly for over 2 years. Rose was the perfect visitor. She took care of Purity’s kids like they were her own and whenever she was not in college she was at home either doing her homework or helping out in the housework. She was always quiet and well behaved and did not engage in young girl activities like discos and clubs. She didn’t even seem to be dating anyone as far as Purity could tell.

What Purity did not know is that her husband and Rose, who were first cousins, had developed a thing for each other and were having sex at every opportunity. Whenever she went to work at night, they would wait until the kids and the maid had gone to bed and then Francis would sneak into Rose’s room. They would have sex for as long as they wanted and all they had to ensure is that he never dozed off in that bed. After doing their thing he would then tip toe back to his room. With time they got bolder and whenever Francis was home during the day, they would sneak in and have a quickie when the maid went maybe to the shops and the kids were busy playing. They were both such brilliant actors and when they were not alone, they managed to behave like there was absolutely nothing going on between them.

But their love for each other began to grow real deep and they could only hide it for so long. It was becoming increasingly difficult for them to keep it hidden - love is not easy to hide isPurity began to suspect them but then another voice told her they were first cousins and there’s no way they could be having an affair. Even when her own marriage to Francis began to deteriorate, she put it down to normal marital wear and tear. She was clearly in denial. The maid on the other hand had seen through their act a long time ago and tried to keep it to herself but she felt really bad for Purity. One day she decided to tell her everything. Purity immediately believed her story as it was just a confirmation of what she had been suspecting for some time. It blew up into quite a big case that involved the meeting of a council of elders from their native Nyeri District to try and sort out this case of clear incest. Faced by the council, Francis admitted everything.

By sheer coincidence, before the case came to a close Francis got an opportunity to go and work in the US. He did not even think twice on who to take with him. As soon as he was settled in the US, he began making arrangement for Rose to join him. After some time he managed and she joined him there. He abandoned Purity and their two kids here in Kenya. As far as this blogger knows, they’re still living together in the US to this day but are too afraid to come home.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Couples Midnight Row Over Delayed SMS

You know those dirty SMSs that do the rounds once in a while. They were very popular about 5 years back and Buya was an expert in forwarding them. Whenever they came his way he made sure he forwarded them to as many friends as possible, mostly ladies but also a few male friends. He found it awkward for a man to forward sexual messages to a fellow man even if they were just jokes but once in a while he did anyway.

One of the friends he usually sent them to was a lady named Lulu. And she always sent a dirty reply in return. Buya did this usually during the day far away from his wife. He never forwarded any to her so she had no idea he was doing that. Until one day Safaricom decided to get peculiar. Buya sent a message to Lulu at around 5.00pm when he was still in the office. She received it and replied immediately. By the way Buya and Lulu had nothing going on between them. They were just friends. He forgot all about the message immediately he left the office and it did not bother him that Lulu did not reply. He passed by his favourite watering hole and took a few sips with friends.

It was past midnight when he got home and his wife was not amused. Before she could rant enough about the late hour, a message came through to his phone. His wife grabbed the phone before he could read what message it was but he could see from the way she instantly went ballistic that it must be something big. It was Lulu’s message which had remained undelivered by Safaricom for over seven hours. She immediately called Lulu using her husband’s phone. Lulu on the other end thought it was Buya calling because after all the call came from his phone. Her boyfriend was away on a job assignment so she was free to pick the call despite the late hour. Thinking that he wanted to talk about the earlier joke, she picked the phone laughing jokingly and addressing him as Mkora.

She was completely unprepared for the flood of insults that rained on her ears. The lady on the other side was real mad and called her bad bad names. She accused her of sleeping with her husband and having the audacity to send him dirty messages in the middle of the night. She ranted for what seemed like a whole half hour although it was just about 5 minutes. She called her every name in the book. She could hear Buya in the background trying to calm down his wife. Lulu was shell shocked. She was not even aware that the message she had sent to him earlier had been delayed in transmission. She was in a panic and was unable to say anything. She disconnected the call and switched off her phone for the night but she had a hard time sleeping.

First thing the next morning when she switched on her phone she received an SMS this time from the wife’s real number. As far as she can remember, it went something like this: You are an imbecile and a dimwit. Scam of the earth with the brains of a chicken. You’ve been sleeping with my husband all this time and you still have the audacity to communicate with him even in the dead of night. May you die soonest before breaking other people’s homes. Foolish.

This is the Joke Buya had sent to Lulu: A Japanese lady went to Nairobi University and within no time slept with 100 men before they knew her real name. Then she disclosed her real name: Kanagawa Kumamoto.

Lulu had replied simply: And you’re one of the 100 men who’ve sampled Kumamoto.

That was the message that sparked this very bitter row between Buya and his wife. Only when she calmed down did he explain to her the situation. He even showed her the same message which he had sent to a few other friends who did not necessarily reply. Including male friends. She believed him.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Help - My Husband Is Unhygienic

Dear Auntie Joan,

My husband Mark and I have been married for the last 10 years and are blessed with three kids. I’m 35 Mark is 40.

In between and even after having my three babies, I hit the gym and over the years I have managed to attain my original figure. I’m very neat myself and even at home I wear very sexy decent clothes and never funny looking baggy clothes. I do not go to bed without brushing my teeth and taking a shower to make sure I’m very clean for him and for my own hygiene too. He knows I always get so turned on by him when he’s clean, fresh and wearing aftershave or cologne. I love kissing his freshly shaven face and it always makes me feel very sexy.

The problem is that over the years my husband has really let himself go. He has very unfit and developed a big tummy which makes him look old and unattractive. He has let his personal hygiene go to the dogs and things we used to do before like brushing before going to bed and just looking neat for each other he no longer does. Kwanza like now he’s on leave he spends all his time in the house. He wears some very funny looking shorts and oversize tee-shirts from yore. He does not automatically shave or brush his teeth in the morning when he wakes up like is the case when he’s going to the office. His hair is another nightmare all together. He leaves it uncombed for days and as a result, it has become untidy and coiled into tiny knots. He has also left his beard to grow bushy. In short he looks bushy and untidy and does not smell nice and fresh like I used to know and love him. It’s like since he’s not going to work then he cannot be bothered to look neat for me.

I tried hinting to him that these things are putting me off. He got so stung he did not speak to me for three days. Now he’s getting worse and I’m afraid to broach the subject again lest I annoy him. Please tell me what I can do because we’ve always had a good sex life which I feel is now suffering. I want my man back because I still love him despite all this.


Concerned wife.

Dear concerned wife,

I can imagine your frustration and I sympathize. He may have had his ego stung the first time and over reacted but I’m sure he must have thought about it after initial anger had died down. By the way it also depends on how you approached him the first time. Maybe you two were in the middle of a different argument and you told him angrily that he had become sloppy and that you were no longer attracted to him? In that case he’d have reason to feel so bad.

Try talking to him again. I’m sure deep down he wants to look attractive to you just like in the past. If you make it clear that’s it’s affecting your life in the bedroom, he’ll most likely jump to attention. Some things like brushing teeth and combing his hair, only he can fix. As for the ugly shorts and tee shirts, go through his closet and remove all the items that you feel are frayed and oversize. Read his mood and see whether you can involve him in this exercise – it can also be fun you know. If you can afford it, buy him some nice shorts and tees to wear around the house. I doubt he’ll complain about frayed old tees if he finds some new fresh ones in his drawer.

If he does not like to go to the gym, schedule some work outs together at home to start him off. Eventually he’ll want to do more and you’ll be surprised he’ll voluntarily go to the gym and work out some of that belly fat. Wish you all the best.

Auntie Joan.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Air force man and his “mzungu” woman fantasy

Kenyans woke up to black Sunday August 1st 1982 and to a horrible day that many who were around and old enough at the time will never forget. That was the day when the attempted coup led by the then Kenya Air force was carried out.

To this day many mysteries remain unanswered and a lot of information from that day is still in the territory of closely guarded secrets of the state.

However there was one sad, bizarre and unforgettable story that unfolded right in the center of town at the famous landmark called the Hilton Hotel.

People have all sorts of crazy fantasies they dream about fulfilling one day. Many of them are so bizarre that most folks would not dare share them with anybody.

Apparently this young Airforce officer’s fantasy was having sex with a white woman. Andit seemned that as the years went by, chances of that happening rapidly seemed to dwindle.

So as the coup unfolded on that Sunday morning and as Masais rushed to loot meat from butchers while ignoring other more valuable stuff and as slum dwellers looted colour TV sets only to remember when they got into their shacks that they did not have electricity, this air force man was not interested in all that. All that was on his mind was having white booty.

If truth be told, one of the reasons why the 1982 coup failed was the fact that the air force chaps had too much indiscipline in their ranks. So this officer who was obsessed with having sex with a mzungu left his colleagues patrolling the city streets and headed straight into the Hilton hotel. He was actually able to do anything he wished at the classy tourist hotel, because the terse announcement over the radio had declared the entire police force ordinary citizens. So there was no way that somebody at the hotel wouild have called the cops.

So this Air force chap took his pick in one of the rooms and at gun point raped some poor mzungu lady tourist to his fill. It is said that he went for several rounds in an ordeal that lasted hours.

Finally the air force officer emerged from the Hotel feeling very happy with himself only to walk right into the firing line of Maj general Mahmood Mohamed and his soldiers who had then just stormed the city centre and routed the Air force rebels in an operation that took several days and was dubbed operation maji machafu where the idea was to “clean out” the air force rebels.

Mercifully that air force officer was a little lucky because he had been gunned down just outside the Hilton Hotel, his body was disposed of quickly and dumped at the city mortuary. In other parts of the city it took days for rotting bodies to be collected.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

The terrible secrets in the rich Asian households of Nairobi

Kenyans of Asian origin living in the country do not mix much with Kenyans of other origins or races. They mostly keep their social interactions tightly amongst themselves. This is one of the reasons why some very dark secrets from the community have been hidden for many years.

Despite their abundant wealth, behind those high gates and secure compounds are some very sad and indeed shocking stories.

One of the major causes of trouble within the Asian community is the fact that most men are not able to perform in the bedroom and do not come anywhere neat satisfying their wives sexually. People give different reasons for this. Some people claim it is the food they eat while others say that the men are addicted to their businesses and are still thinking about them and working out business problems even when they are with their wives in bed.

This of course does NOT include Sikhs who in fact have a reputation with the ladies and there have been many cases where scandals have emerged of Sikhs moving around with the wives of a baninani (hindu) men.

Like the case of Mike whom I knew very well. He mostly lives in the UK but he came back to Kenya in 2002 to launch a new business. Mike at the time was about 55 years old and divorced to his wife who also lived in the UK.

Sandra (32) heard that Mike was coming back to Kenya. They had known each other when she was a mere school girl at a local secondary school in Parklands where Mike used to go give lectures about a career in business to the students. They had struck up a conversation because Mike knew Sandra’s father. In fact they were more or less age mates and had done business together. Sandra helped Mike find an apartment near Yaya centre before he even arrived. In their frequent telephone conversations they agreed that as soon as Mike landed in Kenya they would agree on what salary she would get paid as Mike’s personal assistant.

Sandra’s husband was happy because finally it looked like she had found something to keep her busy. It was definitely not for the money, because Sandra’s husband had plenty of that.

Mike finally arrived in Kenya towards the end of 2002 and Sandra picked him up at the Jomo Kenyatta International Airport and drove him straight to his apartment near Yaya Centre. They sat in the sitting room of the furnished apartment to have a drink for a few minutes which turned into 2 hours. Despite the age difference of 23 years Sandra found Mike easy to talk to in comparison to her husband whom they could not have a conversation for any length of time with. So it was not too difficult to figure out how she ended up in Mike’s bed that very first day.

After all Sandra was a woman and her husband was not coming anywhere near fulfilling her needs. Again it was hardly surprising that she immediately got addicted to Mike. She started spending long hours in his apartment and all the time Sandra’s husband thought that she was working. One day things got out of hand in the bedroom and she even called her husband to say that she was working overnight. Her did not find that strange it seems.

The salary that Mike had promised her was paid in kind rather than in cash, although it is also true to say that Sandra after years of not knowing fulfillment in her marital bed overdrew her salary many times over with her almost insatiable appetite.

The last I heard of this saga is that Mike had gone back to the UK after his business here had failed to work. Sadly he also left debts all over the place (but that is not a story for Udaku). I keep wondering what became of Sandra.

Then there is the evben sicker story of an Asian woman in Parklands who insisted on employing houseboys only from the Kamba community. After the children had gone to school in the morning and her husband had gone to the factory in Industrial area, she would call the houseboy and ask him to clean under her bed while she lay on the same bed. As the man would bend over to obey instructions, she would start caressing him and would then order him to do “some work on her” on her marital bed warning that if he did not do a “good job” he would get fired.

The Kamba houseboy kept his job for years and although he was always paid a very low salary, he never complained and always seemed to be happy which is what aroused people’s suspicion as to what was really going on.

Aii, the terrible secrets behind those high fences of stinking rich Asians!!!

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Venom for her friend from the cradle to the grave

The human species is a strange one and it is difficult to understand how some “animals” in this fascinating species operate, as our true story today will clearly illustrate.

Zipporah and Mary grew up together in the semi-rural estate called Waithaka in the outskirts of Nairobi. Apparently they were close friends and they knew each other’s parents quite well. Be a little patient and you will soon discover why I have used the phrase; “Apparently they were close friends.”

From an early age Zipporah for a reason that Mary never understood seemed to be jealous and envious of her. Both hailed from very poor families and theer was really nothing to cauise Zipporah to be envious of Mary. But she was. Whenever she defeated her friend in class, she would make it a point to rush to Mary’s home first to show off her report card to her friend’s elder brothers while telling them how poorly Mary had performed. Mary’s mother had been a widow for years and it was her elder two sons who acted as parents to their siblings. So by the time poor Mary got home, she would be in big trouble with her big brothers and would receive a thorough beating. Zipporah seemed to get a lot of pleasure out of doing this. Many times Mary did not realize that she had received beatings mainly because of her brothers being incited by her supposed friend Zipporah.

So that is how the two friends grew up and Zipporah ended up being a prostitute by profession while Mary was a secretary briefly before she got married to Dave a businessman and ended up as a happy housewife.

Now Dave was the kind of guy who loved his evening beer which was usually taken in a certain bar close to where he lived which was not very far from Waithaka. Zipporah got hold of this information and started frequenting the said bar which was actually called Checkpoint at the Rirura Satellite shopping centre. Zipporah’s only motive for frequenting the place was to seduce her friend’s husband. For some reason she was very jealous of Mary for having gotten such a nice husband and for having settled down to a reasonably happy life. Just as she used to do with the report cards in school, she was determined to mess up Mary’s life as much as she could. Maybe even snatch away her husband from her.

Life is funny and there is no doubt that there is divine intervention and sometimes God refuses certain things to happen. This is because for all intents and purposes Zipporah’s mission should have been very easy to accomplish. In her profession she dealt with men every day. They were her clients and she understood them well, after all she sold herself to them on a daily basis and had been doing so for many years. Dave was also known to have a weakness for women especially after he had taken a few beers. Despite all this, amazingly in a space of about 10 years, Zipporah never succeeded in getting Dave into bed, let alone snatching him from Mary.

But the really shocking event happened on Zipporah’s death bed.

Everybody in Waithaka and beyond knew that Zipporah was dying of Aids and it was no secret. She had gotten so weak that it did not take a genius to tell that she would die very soon.

It was while she was on her deathbed that she sent for Mary’s brothers with the message that she had some very important information for them. People respect those who are dying and Mary’s brothers quickly rushed to her deathbed. Zippora lied to them that she had had a passionate affair with Dave and obviously passed on the deadly virus to him. She told them that they needed to take care of their sister because she would soon be a widow. They were devastated and that little stunt caused Mary lots of problems and it was months before things settled down again.

Incidentally just before Zipporah died, her old friend Mary visited her. Zipporak pretended to be asleep and kept her eyes closed all the time. But Mary was patient and finally Zipporah had no option but to open her eyes. Mary was crying for her friend. Mostly for the short crazy life of suffering that she had lived. Mary tried to pray for her friend, but she could hear nothing of it. She just smiled. A very strange smile that never made it to her eyes.

“Don’t bother with your prayers, we will meet in hell….?” Is all she said and then she shut her eyes tight again. That was the last time Mary saw Zipporah.

A few days after that visit Zipporah died. Mary did not attend the funeral because she had so many fires to put out as a result of Zipporah’s deliberate actions to mess up her life.

It is now well over 15 years later and Mary is still with Dave, both are in fact a little overweight.

But what will always puzzle Mary and those who got to hear of this amazing tale is why somebody should live their whole lives envious and full of venom against their close friend. That one is indeed stranger than fiction.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Girls’ Creative Goodbye As She Dumps Boyfriend

I still remember the events of that fateful day as if it was yesterday. And yet it happened a long time ago.

If there was ever a woman I was in love with, then it was Jackie. We had met at a party at a friends house, danced the whole night together and hurriedly exchanged telephone numbers in the morning.

When she called the very next morning I was more than surprised. She said that she had been bored and had decided to call. We chatted for over an hour. General stuff, just getting to know each other. I must have been pretty slow in those days because I did not pick on the numerous hints right away. It took a Christmas card about 2 weeks later, that came in through the mail to change the direction of this relationship.

She confessed her love for me. After that things moved pretty fast and before I knew it, I was head over heels in love with this girl. Make no mistake about it, she was a beauty. Okay her legs were not really that sexy, but then who is perfect?

When I met her she was a virgin. Actually we had just completed our A-levels. Now the strange thing was that our relationship continued for a long time (over a year) without me breaking her hymen. I know this sounds crazy and maybe I need to see a psychiatrist, but it is the truth. We tried once and it was painful for her and I stopped.

But there was no question about our love for each other. Especially my love for her. We would meet and spend the whole weekend alone together in a room and kiss and do everything else but no sexual intercourse ever took place and she remained a virgin.

Meanwhile she got a job in Mombasa in one of the government ministries and left me in Nairobi as she went to take it up. She stayed with her brother in Mombasa. She would come to Nairobi frequently to see me on weekends and once I went down to the Coast for a weekend not to be forgotten.

Several times she mentioned this guy who was pursuing her at the Coast. Some rich older fellow and she would reassure me that he was not her type and that she was totally in love and committed to me.

One June day she came on her usual visits and as we kissed, I soon discovered that she wanted more than a kiss on this day and shockingly she had even come with some condoms. I had very little experience with women in those days but I figured that it was going to be very painful for her. But to my surprise I penetrated very easily, there was no pain at all. The “barrier” was no longer there. It had gone.

It is difficult to describe in English words what I felt at that moment. Can you imagine cold butter being sliced by a red hot knife? That is how my heart felt, my heart being the cold butter. She had gone and had somebody else do the job for her. I immediately withdrew without going any further with the act. She tried to console me as I turned away but I was inconsolable.

All this happened on Sunday night and on Monday morning we dressed and silently rode in a bus together into town.

She bade me goodbye just at the gate of my workplace. Her last words were very strange indeed. She wished me a happy birthday. And yet she knew my birthday was over 4 months away.

Later I was to piece everything together. She had slept with that rich guy she always talked about. And she had come to give me a goodbye “birthday present” in the form of sex. It was meant to be both an early birthday present and also a goodbye present. The whole concept made me sick, just thinking about it. But then I know many men who would have gladly accepted “the gift” and then asked questions later. Sadly it seems, I am not that type.

She’s married now and so am I.

Do you have a story to share with us? Email it now to udakudaily at hotmail dot com.

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Dirty old man meets his match

Residents of a village in Baringo are lost for words after a respected village elder almost lost his manhood in a bizarre incident last month. In this village, the word rape is unheard of and the Biblical sanction against adultery is followed to the letter.

Mzee Chepngotei was a man of good repute and was spoken well of. Villagers entrusted him with issues of discipline and other matters that required delicate arbitration. He had helped the village in maintaining law and order, something, that even earned him commendation last year from the area chief.

However, as the saying goes, never judge a book by its cover. Mzee Chepngotei secretly admired peoples' wives. It is now known that some women had complained that he had made advances at them while arbitrating family cases.

He would secretly lure the women into sleeping with them as payment before rebuking the wayward husband. And indeed for those who submitted to his advances, their husbands reformed . Villagers however dismissed the women as rumuor mongers.

The rumuors subsided for a while, but it was not long before the bug bit him again. This time, with the urge for a much younger woman.

Given his expertise, he had been asked to arbitrate between Mr. Kanyerkil and his newly married wife, Maria. The couple had been married for barely one year when Kanyerkil started drinking heavily, leaving his young wife and five month-old son in the care of his aging parents. Friends advised Maria to look for Mzee Chepngotei.

He was already aware of her problem when she approached him. He said if she agreed to cook him a meal of ugali, things would be okay. He told her that the night of the meal should not be the day of the judgement, because he allegedly wanted to get more information from her. His words were well chosen and the tone encouraging. Maria readily agreed.

On the the material day, Chepngotei went to Maria's house. She had prepared brown ugali, to be served with a stew of osuga. He took his meal outside the house, according to the traditions of the village.

After the meal Chepngotei called Maria and asked for water, not because he was thirsty, but as a way of getting her to join him. She brought the water in one of the glasses kept only for special guests. He sipped the water, put the glass aside and asked Maria to sit next to him. This surprised Maria, but did not still sound an alarm in her mind.

Chepngotei moved closer to her, breathing heavily and uttering words of love. The reality hit her that Chepngotei wanted to be intimate with her. Her husband was nowhere to be seen. She composed herself and asked him why he was doing this to her and Chepngotei said he was just helping her out because he knew that she was longing for male company.

He tried to wrestle her down again but Maria asked him to go slow as she was willing to sleep with him. Chepngotei got excited and lavished praises on her.

Maria asked him to undress as she also prepared herself. This disarmed him completely. She then asked him to lie on his back, which he did. The old man was beside himself with excitement as she touched him.

Seeing that she had disarmed him, Maria went for the offending organ. She held it between her hands and twisted it so hard, the old man almost went limp with pain. She held it firmly as Chepngotei asked for forgiveness. Blood spurted from the injured member. He lay lame and helpless as Maria bombarded him with insults.

A neighbour responded to the old man's cries for mercy. On seeing what was happening, he was tongue-tied and ran to call other villagers. The old man was rescued and rushed to hospital. On recovery, he did not even press charges against Maria.

It was unbelievable that Chepngotei could do such a thing. He has been cut down to size and does not talk about womens' issues. He lost his dignity and his ego suffered miserably.

Guest post by Mundia Kamau

Friday, May 9, 2008

Woman's shocking confession of what she did in bus to Mombasa

Last year I was heading to coast to stay with friends for a few days. I boarded the 10.30 usiku bus from Nairobi and was due to arrive Mombasa at around 7.00 the next morning. Nairobi can get very cold at night and one can only carry so much on a trip. I soon realized that what I had carried to keep away the cold was not enough. Somewhere along the way not too long after we departed, I was cold and shivering and wondering how I’d make it through the rest of the journey. The moving bus made it worse coz of the wind. The guy next to me who had been quiet all along turned over and asked whether I was cold. I said yes and next I knew he had his jacket draped over me. It was warm and pleasantly fragrant. I thought that was just a nice gesture and made nothing of it.

Soon I drifted off to a light sleep and he allowed me to rest my head on his shoulders. I could not sleep much though – I’m not used to sleeping in a moving bus. I woke up and we started chatting, normal things about what I do in Nairobi and what he does in Mombasa. How long I would be down at the coast and whether we could have lunch before I came back to Nairobi. Whether I have a boyfriend and whether he had a girlfriend blab bla bla. Inevitably we talked deeper and deeper stuff and before long, we had both ourselves in quite a state of arousal. When the kiss came I was expecting it and yes I wanted it too. The guy was so smooth! Not to mention good looking.

We were in a moving bus and I was in tight jeans and yet... There was only so much we could do. But we were both determined to let off some steam. I had a large kikoi which I used to cover us both and soon my jeans were down to my thighs. Most of the passengers were asleep by now and for those who were awake, too bad, we were just way past caring. I was already so turned on and wet downstairs. When he slipped a finger it did not take me long to feel the all too familiar contractions of an orgasm. I’m the kind who screams when that time comes and the most difficult part of it was staying quiet. I mean, you do not want to scream in a bus full of people.

After I was done it was time to return the favour. Down I went to his very swollen tool. I’d been touching it all along and oral was the next obvious thing. He was nice, clean and fresh so it was easy. It did not take him long either. We slept peacefully all cuddly mpaka Mombasa.

Editor's Note: Just a reminder to readers that this is NOT a work of fiction. We are also shockingly informed that what is described here happens frequently on the night buses to Mombasa from Nairobi. What is our society coming to surely?

Lust cost a young carjacker his life

What do you think the average age of those dreaded carjackers is?

Despite many news reports and eye witness accounts, many Kenyans still refuse to believe that this is mainly the preserve of teenagers who mostly hail from the Eastlands area.

Omosh as he was called by everybody in the estate was a good looking but very quite and reserved boy. He never gave his parents any trouble and nobody would have believed that he had another life of the violent kind.

He liked to get drunk on weekends and have a good time with the girls and that is how he was so easily lured into the world of crime. But what made it even easier for him were the drugs they were instructed to use by their “instructors” before they went on their missions. They would make them ruthless and they would have no fear in doing anything… even killing innocent people.

Omosh had been introduced into the lucrative “business” by a friend who had taken him to “the instructor” who lived somewhere in the sprawling Eastleigh estate in Nairobi. It had taken a very short time for him to be trained on how to handle a pistol and even an AK47. Their first job went like clockwork. They carjacked a man in a Pajero and made away with his car and the contents of his wallet. They delivered the car where they were told to and the next day Omosh had a cool Kshs 20,000 in his pocket. More money than he had ever handled in his entire life.

Overnight his lifestyle changed. He bought nice clothes and would have pretty riotous weekends. The girls loved him less for his lewd jokes (which emerged only when he was drunk) and more for his generosity and the fact that he always seemed to be loaded. Everybody accepted his story that he dealt with second hand clothes and was a major importer.

What amazed Omosh was the fact that money could literally buy anything. Even flying squad policemen who looked the other way or did not respond to distress calls fast enough. That made Omosh feel invincible. Little did he know that that was exactly where the most danger lay.

The business had changed and it had started becoming more and more difficult to dispose of stolen cars. They should have seen it coming, there was no way that insurance companies were going to lose money and so sophisticated devices like tracking gadgets had come into the market with a vengeance. Even with new number plates and a change of colour, stolen cars could still be detected long before they reached the Namanga border on their way to be sold in Tanzania.

So carjackers now preferred to hijack matatus and public transport vehicles. Nairobians were cash-rich and it was not unusual to end up with over 100,000 in cash from a single Nissan matatu, not counting the mobile phones and other valuables taken. And this was the kind of job that would easily be pulled off by 4 people only. Once you drew a gun nobody was going to argue with you.

Actually the thrill of the game consumed Omosh until he was totally out of control. He loved the power of grown men doing as they were told as he wielded the gun. But even more he loved the way nice smartly-dressed ladies would quickly follow instructions when he ordered them to do whatever he wanted them to do. He got very addicted to raping women in the matatus that they hijacked and that was what cost him his life in the end.

On that fateful day, they had hijacked a matatu going to Kikuyu and the wallets and all the valuables had quickly been taken from the terrified passengers. And as was the usual procedure to immobilize their victims, the men were asked to remove their trousers and the women their tops and hand them over to the carjackers. Women who happened to be wearing dresses just handed over the entire dress.

The mission had been successful and Omosh and his gang had their cash and valuables and should have left then. But how was Omosh going to leave the scene without some free sex? That was just not possible. More so when he had already spotted some pretty appetizing female thighs amongst the frightened passengers. So Omosh took his pick and moved to the bush behind.

“Beshte fanya haraka maze, hio unaweza kupata huko mbele.” One of the gang members warned as Omosh hammered away oblivious of the warning. It was quite possible that the poor woman was somebody’s wife and this was an even bigger turn on for Omosh.

Unknown to them another matatu driver had seen Omosh and his gang carjacking the matatu and had called the police. Also unknown to the gang was the fact that the policemen in the flying squad had decided that it was time to eliminate the Omosh gang since there was a new more ruthless and much more generous gang that had emerged. The cops were no fools they knew that if the gangs they dealt with remained alive for too long, they would one day start “singing” some undesirable songs.

The flying squad officers arrived just as Omondi was zipping up to leave. Two of the gang members had already made good their escape but Omondi and one member of the gang went down in a hail of police bullets. Omondi did not fire a single bullet to protect himself. He was just too shocked because he even knew one of the flying squad officers whom he considered a close friend and associate.

Omosh’s family was grief stricken and are still pursuing a case to sue the police for mistaking their 19 year old son for a carjacker. Their son did not even know how to handle a gun, they will tell anybody who cares to listen. To this day they have never believed that Omosh the model, polite boy in the house was not only a carjacker but a serial rapist as well.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Hilarious Baba Dennis saga

Strange things happen in Kenyan homes and sometimes the guilty are caught in the most amazing and unexpected way as the hilarious joke at the end of this story clearly illustrates.

But first, let us focus for a minute on that humble house help in the house. Many wives just give away their husbands to the house help with their two hands and then when things go wrong blame it on everybody else but themselves.

Imagine a situation whereby when the husband comes home late, the wife can't get out of bed. It is the maid who gets up to warm the food and serve it. Now what do you expect to happen with a man who is most likely drunk being in the sitting room alone with the house help? It really does not matter how unsophisticated your house help is. The fact that she does not use deodorant is really very irrelevant here.

While it is true that the modern woman can be extremely busy and is surely not expected to do so much stuff for the husband, the key thing here is that one has to be careful.

Take the case of Baba Jimmy who used to live somewhere in Buru Buru. The wife had a permanent scowl on her face which was there the whole way to work every morning. The minute she was dropped by Baba Jimmy at her workplace, her countenance was transformed and she was all laughter and joy with her workmates. It was like that until she got home in the evening. Sometimes she would laugh a little with the children but that was about it. After all there was no way she could relax and be herself infront of the maid. That was out of question. How else would she be respected?

And the bedroom? Don't even go there. Baba Jimmy was reduced to a beggar and not a successful one at that.

The conversation in the bedroom at that critical moment would go something like this;

Baba Jimmy (clearing his throat nervously): Mama Jimmy you know I was just wondering if it is possible for.. you know what. You see we have stayed for long and...

Mama Jimmy (rudely interrupting him and shouting): Baba Jimmy!!! What is wrong with you? Are you a school boy or what!! Can you not see the obvious. I am tired. Don't disturb me.

And that would be the end of the story.

Mama Jimmy was a graduate of course. But in the house was a short pot bellied house help who had never in her lifetime seen how the inside of a standard 8 classroom looks like. She smiled a lot and was very jovial and obedient. She had a lot of respect for both Mama Jimmy and Baba Jimmy.

To cut a long story short. Baba Jimmy ended up marrying that "round" maid who never went beyond standard seven. They still live together and run a very successful private school together in one of the smaller town in Kenya.

see also; Maid cooks ugali for family with her own urine

House help joke

A wife had misplaced her panties and thought the househelp had been stealing them, the wife accused the househelp in front of the husband and the househelp came out protesting and shouted infront of everyone...."baba dennis si unajua mi sivaangi suruali"

Hot stories from the past

Female Bank Manager bought shirts for handsome junior employee

To teach her lover's wife a lesson, this woman left some crazy "evidence" for her to find.

Dress that leaves a lot to be desired

What was this campus chic thinking when she did what she did at Kenya Cinema?

You Need Shock Absorbers For This: A very long golf shot-bizarre photo

Mini skirt got marketing team leader hired pronto

Why A Prostitute begged a truck driver to take back the cash she had stolen from him

Kenyan woman somehow gets pregnant to avoid Hangman's rope

Most embarrassing moment for 40 year old woman

Fire farting

She murdered her only son for love

Why Don't rich men in Kiambu eat anything at home? The answer will shock you

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

The Married Woman And The Bachelor In The Servants Quarters

Lucy was a lady who was well taken care off by the husband who worked out of the country and would come to Kenya once in a while to see his wife and visit his two children that were in boarding school. Lucy had her own house in one of the middle class estates and been alone in the house most of the times, it was only economical that she ‘rented’ her spacious S.Q. (servants quarters) out.

But her sq had conditions that it was only a single man who could be allowed to live there. And the man must be able to “service” the lady when she needed “services rendered.” Those were the instructions that were given to the agent and he did his work.

Peter was the man who was ‘lucky’ to get the sq but he had no idea what he was really getting himself into. When Peter heard the kind of the other work he had to do … he had to ask what he would get in return. Lucy told him to name whatever he wanted and he gladly said he would do whatever she wanted him to but he would not have to pay the rent … and his wish was quickly granted. And in any case, Lucy was a very beautiful woman that any man would love to have anytime … and the deal was done.

Lucy had a house help who would come in the morning and leave in the evening when the evening meal was ready. Peter worked in town and in the evening he would go to the main house to do his duty. So he had almost everything he needed and he didn’t have to be away from home. And to add to that the house girl also cleaned his clothes and his house.

Things were going very well and for a time he felt like the man of the house and anyway he was being treated like one. He was thoroughly enjoying himself and slowly he was getting cut off from his usual friends. He became less available and spent more time with the lady. The lady was also having a good time but from what she asked Peter to do to her and what she did to him it was clear to Peter that she was well experienced in these things. To Peter the thrill of the whole arrangement excited him sana and never thought much of it, even when the lady started videoing them in action. And things went that way for about nine months.

Then Peter started getting a bit freaked out when Lucy would sneak into his sq when the husband was around. The first time he thought that she was out of her mind but it became very frequent and it was worrying him. Lucy would leave the husband in the morning at around 4am and tell him that she was going to do some laundry. The man believed her and he continued to sleep while the wife was been serviced at the sq. Peter did not like that part of the story but Lucy insisted and there was nothing he could do.

One day while Peter was having lunch in town a friend of his saw him and they talked. It had been quite a while since they had last met coz these days Peter was not going for those drinking sprees. So the friend told him that there was some porn clip he had seen and it looked like it was him in the clip. Of course Peter denied it (even before viewing it) and that is when it hit him that it could be one of those moments that Lucy was taping them. To him that was the end of it. He wanted to get out of it.

That evening he asked Lucy where the tapes she’s been taking were. She was not interested in answering and ignored the question. But Peter cleverly said that they could sell the tapes and get some cash out of it and that’s when Lucy admitted that she had been selling the “action sequences.” Peter was really crushed and that was when he knew that it’s him his friend had seen. That was the end of the story to him and he told her that he would have to move out and end the whole thing.

Sadly, he had no idea what he had gotten himself into and he also did not know that it would be more difficult that he thought to get out of the mess he had gotten himself into.

The lady told him to pay his full rent for the time he had been staying there or she would take him to court. So Peter had to get a bank loan to pay off the rent and he was forbidden to ever be seen again anywhere near that neighborhood, that was the deal.

Still it is a well know fact that he was a toy boy at this well known Nairobi estate… a huge bruise to his ego for a man like him. The video clips of him and Lucy in the act are still doing the rounds, and apparently they are extremely hot.

Lucy’s husband still has no idea what happens in his house when he’s not around (and even when he’s around).

Oh and by the way, the sq has already been taken by another single man.

Monday, May 5, 2008

Those darn gym instructors

Mid last year, Esther wanted to take control of her health and one of the things she decided to do was visit the gym every day. She was very dedicated to her routine and within a few short months she was very fit.

But gym takes a lot of discipline and soon she started skipping her workouts always finding an excuse not to go to the gym. Her hunk of an instructor was very concerned and one day he called to ask her what was happening and why she did not show up for workouts. She explained to him about the timing and how she usually got home late.

They soon came up with a plan for the instructor to pass by her home three times a week in the evening after leaving work. That way she’d do her workouts in the comfort of her home with a personal instructor. They agreed on a fee and started right away. Esther lived alone in a 2 bedroom house and she set one of them aside for her gym.

The first day he came to her place Esther was rather taken aback. He looked extremely polished and better looking than he usually did at the gym. I guess because she always used to see him in sweat drenched gym outfits. That (sweat drenched) is a turn on for some women but that is a story for another day. So when he came to her house all showered and dressed, he looked suddenly hotter than she was used to seeing him.

Day one they had a rather awkward work out, with Esther realizing that she had the hots for this guy. Him on the other hand was there for business (or so it seemed) and as soon as they were done, he left. An instructor is one person who is always very close to you, holding you and guiding you through the moves and the stretches. For ladies who have been to the gym, you know it’s not strange for the instructor to kneel right in front of you when you’re lying on the floor and hold your thighs when you’re stretching the hamstring. Or hold you firmly as you twist from side to side to stretch the back muscles. But that is usually business.

For Esther whose boyfriend lived and worked in Dubai, it was not business any more. After he left she got really turned on by the memories of their first work out together. She kept remembering those strong arms and the way they held her and supported her through the moves. The way the guy was so close to her and yet kept himself so distant and professional was making her wild with longing for him. Worse still, her workouts were spaced in a way that she would not see him again in two days time. She had to wait it out.

The next time he came for a work out she was all ready and dressed. She had made up her mind not to show the guy anything she felt. But I guess people sense these things. This time during the workout she got the impression that he was teasing her. He was getting closer to her than is normal and breathing down her skin in an unusual manner. When he told her ‘give me more of that’ or ‘hold it there Esther’, maybe sit-ups or whatever they were doing at that time, Esther caught something in his voice. This was not the way normal business goes. There was something there. His voice was raw and guttural. But still he kept the workout business like. She thought she’d go nuts!!

What Esther did not know is that he was turned on like crazy too and had also spent the last two days dreaming about his next workout with her. He was wearing a track suit and long T-shirt which did a good job of hiding his swollen manhood. When towards the end of the workout he supported her to do some floor work, they did not get out of that one. Both could not take it any more and Esther cannot say who grabbed who first. It was spontaneous. They had sex right there and then on the floor. And continued having some after every workout. Sometimes they skipped the workouts all together.

Later when recalling the first day they had sex, they laughed at the thought that those spandex gym bikers can be removed so fast.

Sunday, May 4, 2008

Why do Kikuyu women have a weakness for Luhya men?

Joan solves age-old mystery

Too many nice Kikuyu girls end up getting married to Luhya men, way too many.

If you don’t believe me just do your own research and get back to me. The fact is that we could debate for long hours as to what the real reasons for this are. So to cut a long story short and to put forward my point as to what the real reason for this is, I present today’s true story.

Njeri was a beautiful girl by any means and really yearned for marriage. You see she looked innocent enough but it was just as well people could never read her mind to know what was going on inside there most of the time. Were this possible, they would have been more than shocked. She just thought about sex all the time and finding the right man to cool down all the burning she felt inside. Somebody to quench the fires regularly.

But there was one thing that she knew already. That man would not be from the house of Mumbi. She had already had more than a few sexual experiences with a few boys in the village and frankly they left a lot to be desired. To avoid starting a tribal war of words in this good entertainment blog, let me just say they had no idea what they were doing and usually it would be over before it even began. You nice girls out there know exactly what I am talking about.

That is one of the reasons why Njeri was very excited when she finally got a chance to come to the city in the sun in search of employment. Deep in her heart she knew that her real mission was to find “the one.” But sadly everything started off on the wrong footing. She ended up staying with an auntie who treated her like a 6 year old. Any mere whiff of male company anywhere near her would send the woman into her tantrums threatening to send Njeri back to the village in Muranga where she had come from.

Obviously Njeri hated this, but was patient hoping that somehow her big break would come one day.

Meanwhile through a former schoolmate, she managed to get a temporary job at a construction site not far from the famous Ngara market. The job was pretty boring and involved keeping track of building materials at the site. Still it paid weekly and the money was good enough for her to take care of a few basics but not enough for her to move out of her strict aunty’s house to start life on her own, which would obviously make it much easier for her to meet the man of her dreams.

She was still searching but there was nothing of interest at the construction site. Njeri was very particular. Her men had to be good looking and clean. None of the men who always smelt of stale sweat at the construction site interested her.

However she always seemed to catch the supervisor staring at her. Frankly she could have thrown up. The man was way too big and reminded her of the movie King Kong. But what really put her off was his nose. It looked like somebody had pressed it on a frying pan shortly after he had been born. Njeri would laugh alone when she thought about it.

But the man never gave up chasing. Many times he would invite Njeri for a soda but she would politely decline. She was no fool. The man was the supervisor and could get her fired if he wanted to. But although she knew what the man really wanted, she was sure that she was not interested. She used her draconian-rules auntie to good effect and managed to keep the brute at bay.

However one day there was a matatu strike and everything changed. Usually as soon as it was 5, Njeri would head straight for the matatu stage. She did not want to offend her auntie because she did not know where else in Nairobi she could find a place to live if she did. At least not yet. So on this day when the matatus had gone on strike, Njeri panicked. What would she do? She was terrified of her auntie and she somehow needed to get home to Umoja as soon as possible (and it was not a walking distance from Ngara). She was standing there rather confused when the supervisor came out of the gate rattling the offfice keys in his hands.

Njeri did not like the smile on his face. If a lion was able to smile, it would be the sort of smile that would on it’s face after cornering some poor defenseless gazelle. But Njeri’s options were very limited indeed on this day. He quickly reassured her that he would get a taxi for her which would drop her at her door step inUmoja and he would pay for it. And then he suggested that they take a brief walk to a nearby hotel where the taxis were very cheap.

The supervisor whose name was Bruce reassured her and did his best to calm her down as they walked slowly towards the hotel. Surely her “evil” auntie would understand that the matatus had gone on strike, he repeatedly told her. After all it would be all over the news in the evening.

They reached the hotel and went straight to the taxi place. Bruce talked briefly to one of the taxi drivers although Njeri could not hear what they were saying. He came back and told her that the driver he was looking for who was his friend had gone to drop another client and would soon be back. He casually suggested that they wait inside the hotel.

Now Njeri had come from the village just the other day and she was still a bit slow in sensing a man’s trap. She swallowed the bait and followed Bruce inside the hotel. She did not even find anything strange in the fact that they passed the reception where there were several comfortable seats that they would have sat on and waited. And they went straight into the hotel bar. It was still early and it was not yet that crowded.

Bruce bought her some chips and a soda which she thoroughly enjoyed. You have to give it to the guy. He was very smooth and Njeri did not stand a chance. She only realized what was going on when she was already in one of the rooms in the hotel. But even then the guy kept on playing his game. With the key safely in his pocket, he told her that he was having a quick shower and then they would be on their way to get a taxi for her. This time she started having her doubts. She told him that she was going to scream of he tried to rape her.

Bruce had played this game for a long time and casually had his shower with the room key very close. He finished and came out of the bathroom with only a towel over his waste. Njeri was cowering at the door and decided that there was no way out of this one but to scream at the top of her voice.

Bruce casually walked up to where she was and before she could scream grabbed her and started kissing her. The man was strong and with her hands firmly in his grasp there was nothing she could do. But there was no denying the fact that it was strangely exciting being overpowered by him like that.

The man was big, everywhere and what followed was an experience that Njeri had been looking for all her life. This was no village boy looking for a selfish quickie. Before she knew what was happening she was thoroughly enjoying what was going on. It was a case of lust at first sex.

They did not leave the hotel room until 9 pm in the night. Njeri was not that terrified of her auntie now, something had changed forever. She had found what she had been looking for in the most unlikely place. Bruce got a taxi for her and she went to face the wrath of her auntie, who complained and said she had been worried sick but acknowledged that indeed there had been a matatu strike.

Bruce and Njeri have now been married for almost 25 years.

They have two children and the son has inherited the pancake nose but these days Njeri finds it rather cute.

I’ll now give you some homework to go and do. Find out from all the nice Kikuyu girls married to Luhyas how it happened. You will find that they fell in lust after an encounter between the sheets. There is no denying that Luhya men know how to treat women in bed and they cannot be resisted, even if they have pancake noses, once a poor kikuyu lady has ended up in their bed.

Horny husband frustrated by AIDs test

Errant Buru Buru man tricked by sexy neighbour's wife

Kenyan man to lover: here's a deadly gift but don't open till you get home

Violent rape in a Nyeri Matatu described in graphic detail

Bizarre condition has stopped woman from having sex for years

Violent rape very night from the man she loves