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Monday, June 9, 2008

The man who no woman could resist

Jeremy was a weed-smoking African American who used to frequent the Carnivore in Nairobi and would never fail to leave with a girl of his choice although he always arrived alone.

In those crazy late 80s the man had some very strict principles and one of them was to never, ever use a condom.

If truth be told, Jeremy was good-looking and always carefully combed his graying beards. The man was in his late forties and even had a daughter who was married back in the States where he came from.

Men used to envy Jeremy and would always wonder what it was about him that seemed to give him so much power over women. Stories of how he picked up women were legend.

To make matters more complex he preferred mzungus or “white game” as he liked to call them. He would arrive in his military-green jalopy that looked like a larger version of the American Jeep but was in fact a car make I can’t remember and one which is rare in these parts. As always the hood would be turned down and he would have a white scarf around his neck fattering in the wind as he drove in at the usual break-neck speed.

He would march into the Carnivore always wearing those worn out boots he never removed and quietly take his seat. Those who knew him say that if you met him at that time and tried to strike up a conversation he would get rude and tell you to take your backside somewhere else, in that eloquent way that our African American brothers are world famous for.

He would sip his drink (usually a soft drink) and carefully observe “the game” streaming in without appearing to be doing so. To the casual observer he seemed to be very bored killing time and most probably waiting for somebody. In fact many times he would tell people that the seat next to him was occupied and that he was waiting for somebody. He would stick to that story and would even tell his catch for the night; “Let’s get out of here before my date shows up.” Although by that time a line was not required as the woman would have jumped off a high building if Jeremy asked her.

Oh and I forgot to tell you, Jeremy would always choose his table very carefully and would opt for one that was not too close to the dance floor but gave him a very good view of it.

Let me describe one episode of Jeremy’s hunt at the Carnivore for you to get an idea of why many folks were just amazed at the man.

It was a weekday night and there were not so many people around. As usual he left it late to identify his “target.” But as usual he was extremely choosy. Today it was a stunning blonde who was seated on a table with another mzungu friend. Jeremy approached their table obviously to ask for a dance. His opening line was a classic;

“I have definitely lost my way but I’m sure glad that I did,” he would say in his heavy American accent. The way he delivered the line and his look always had the desired effect, both ladies giggled. The next thing you knew is that he was on the dance floor with his “catch.” The truth is that Jeremy hated dancing especially to what he called “music that did not have a soul.” For this reason he would only dance one or two songs before he would sit down with his catch. Now here is where “the drama” would begin.

They would be seated like for 10 mins at the most and then Jeremy would leave with the woman. Like in this case the woman’s colleague was clearly alarmed over what had happened and even followed Jeremy and “his catch” out to the car park. But that did nit stop Jeremy driving off with his stunning blonde.

The rest of the guys out hunting would usually dance most of the night before they even got anywhere with a woman, let alone left together.

Many men tried to get Jeremy’s “secrets” but he was always so vague. Once he told a very eager young man who was hanging on his every word to discover “the secret” that he could “smell” women who were ready to be picked up for mind blowing sex. So the young man asked him to describe the “smell.” Jeremy of course just laughed it off.

Sadly many of them never discovered his disgusting secret. Jeremy did not understand women and neither did he love them. In fact he hated them and always scrounged cash from the mzungu women he picked up at the Carnivore. His relationships had nothing to do with love. It was all a cash business.

Jeremy used a white substance which in one especially wild bhang-smoking session revealed had been given to him by a Nigerian friend. He still regularly imported the stuff from Nigeria. He called it a love portion but “sex portion” would probably be a more appropriate way to describe it.

Many people never noticed that Jeremy always did the same thing when he sat down at the table after the short dance. He would say a special “thank you” to his dance partner and the way he would do it would be to reach across the table for their hand which he would hold and then kiss with his lips. Everything would change after that. When he held the hand he would have the “substance” already in his hands and the contact was enough to drive the poor woman crazy for him.

It was really sick and the truth is that although he was admired, Jeremy was a really sick person in the head.

By the way this story has a very sad ending. Jeremy died of HIV AIDs.

My advice to my sisters out there. Be very careful about shaking hands with men. You could easily end up following some man (you’ve already rejected) around like his poodle.


David said...

Heh! now i know what i want,i want that voodoo stuff.i dont know why ugonjwa was put in tha most sweetest areas.....,anyway, i think both men and women should b careful,mayb chics do use that voodoo stuff 2.

Anonymous said...

i agree with u david chics wanakalianga chapo and then umefugwa mbaya u dont even go to the bar you go home always eat chapos kwa kibanda lakini si kwa manzi yako