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Sunday, May 4, 2008

Why do Kikuyu women have a weakness for Luhya men?

Joan solves age-old mystery

Too many nice Kikuyu girls end up getting married to Luhya men, way too many.

If you don’t believe me just do your own research and get back to me. The fact is that we could debate for long hours as to what the real reasons for this are. So to cut a long story short and to put forward my point as to what the real reason for this is, I present today’s true story.

Njeri was a beautiful girl by any means and really yearned for marriage. You see she looked innocent enough but it was just as well people could never read her mind to know what was going on inside there most of the time. Were this possible, they would have been more than shocked. She just thought about sex all the time and finding the right man to cool down all the burning she felt inside. Somebody to quench the fires regularly.

But there was one thing that she knew already. That man would not be from the house of Mumbi. She had already had more than a few sexual experiences with a few boys in the village and frankly they left a lot to be desired. To avoid starting a tribal war of words in this good entertainment blog, let me just say they had no idea what they were doing and usually it would be over before it even began. You nice girls out there know exactly what I am talking about.

That is one of the reasons why Njeri was very excited when she finally got a chance to come to the city in the sun in search of employment. Deep in her heart she knew that her real mission was to find “the one.” But sadly everything started off on the wrong footing. She ended up staying with an auntie who treated her like a 6 year old. Any mere whiff of male company anywhere near her would send the woman into her tantrums threatening to send Njeri back to the village in Muranga where she had come from.

Obviously Njeri hated this, but was patient hoping that somehow her big break would come one day.

Meanwhile through a former schoolmate, she managed to get a temporary job at a construction site not far from the famous Ngara market. The job was pretty boring and involved keeping track of building materials at the site. Still it paid weekly and the money was good enough for her to take care of a few basics but not enough for her to move out of her strict aunty’s house to start life on her own, which would obviously make it much easier for her to meet the man of her dreams.

She was still searching but there was nothing of interest at the construction site. Njeri was very particular. Her men had to be good looking and clean. None of the men who always smelt of stale sweat at the construction site interested her.

However she always seemed to catch the supervisor staring at her. Frankly she could have thrown up. The man was way too big and reminded her of the movie King Kong. But what really put her off was his nose. It looked like somebody had pressed it on a frying pan shortly after he had been born. Njeri would laugh alone when she thought about it.

But the man never gave up chasing. Many times he would invite Njeri for a soda but she would politely decline. She was no fool. The man was the supervisor and could get her fired if he wanted to. But although she knew what the man really wanted, she was sure that she was not interested. She used her draconian-rules auntie to good effect and managed to keep the brute at bay.

However one day there was a matatu strike and everything changed. Usually as soon as it was 5, Njeri would head straight for the matatu stage. She did not want to offend her auntie because she did not know where else in Nairobi she could find a place to live if she did. At least not yet. So on this day when the matatus had gone on strike, Njeri panicked. What would she do? She was terrified of her auntie and she somehow needed to get home to Umoja as soon as possible (and it was not a walking distance from Ngara). She was standing there rather confused when the supervisor came out of the gate rattling the offfice keys in his hands.

Njeri did not like the smile on his face. If a lion was able to smile, it would be the sort of smile that would on it’s face after cornering some poor defenseless gazelle. But Njeri’s options were very limited indeed on this day. He quickly reassured her that he would get a taxi for her which would drop her at her door step inUmoja and he would pay for it. And then he suggested that they take a brief walk to a nearby hotel where the taxis were very cheap.

The supervisor whose name was Bruce reassured her and did his best to calm her down as they walked slowly towards the hotel. Surely her “evil” auntie would understand that the matatus had gone on strike, he repeatedly told her. After all it would be all over the news in the evening.

They reached the hotel and went straight to the taxi place. Bruce talked briefly to one of the taxi drivers although Njeri could not hear what they were saying. He came back and told her that the driver he was looking for who was his friend had gone to drop another client and would soon be back. He casually suggested that they wait inside the hotel.

Now Njeri had come from the village just the other day and she was still a bit slow in sensing a man’s trap. She swallowed the bait and followed Bruce inside the hotel. She did not even find anything strange in the fact that they passed the reception where there were several comfortable seats that they would have sat on and waited. And they went straight into the hotel bar. It was still early and it was not yet that crowded.

Bruce bought her some chips and a soda which she thoroughly enjoyed. You have to give it to the guy. He was very smooth and Njeri did not stand a chance. She only realized what was going on when she was already in one of the rooms in the hotel. But even then the guy kept on playing his game. With the key safely in his pocket, he told her that he was having a quick shower and then they would be on their way to get a taxi for her. This time she started having her doubts. She told him that she was going to scream of he tried to rape her.

Bruce had played this game for a long time and casually had his shower with the room key very close. He finished and came out of the bathroom with only a towel over his waste. Njeri was cowering at the door and decided that there was no way out of this one but to scream at the top of her voice.

Bruce casually walked up to where she was and before she could scream grabbed her and started kissing her. The man was strong and with her hands firmly in his grasp there was nothing she could do. But there was no denying the fact that it was strangely exciting being overpowered by him like that.

The man was big, everywhere and what followed was an experience that Njeri had been looking for all her life. This was no village boy looking for a selfish quickie. Before she knew what was happening she was thoroughly enjoying what was going on. It was a case of lust at first sex.

They did not leave the hotel room until 9 pm in the night. Njeri was not that terrified of her auntie now, something had changed forever. She had found what she had been looking for in the most unlikely place. Bruce got a taxi for her and she went to face the wrath of her auntie, who complained and said she had been worried sick but acknowledged that indeed there had been a matatu strike.

Bruce and Njeri have now been married for almost 25 years.

They have two children and the son has inherited the pancake nose but these days Njeri finds it rather cute.

I’ll now give you some homework to go and do. Find out from all the nice Kikuyu girls married to Luhyas how it happened. You will find that they fell in lust after an encounter between the sheets. There is no denying that Luhya men know how to treat women in bed and they cannot be resisted, even if they have pancake noses, once a poor kikuyu lady has ended up in their bed.

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67 comments:

Anonymous said...

hahaha that was hilarious!!

maddo said...

Bring more hot stories bwana!

Anonymous said...

Am sure you have one story about the Luo me, why dont you bring one across. Amsure there are numerous people asking question about luo me...bla bla bla

Mrembo said...

joan,

this was really hot udaku, ati u have solved a mystery?! usinichekeshe.

i would have told you what i have heard about luhya men and why women love them but i honestly dont think that is content that would be considered appropriate for this forum...and it has nothing to do with skills....hahahahaha!!

Lilac said...

Oh yes mrembo it has something to do with skills. Ask me.

Mrembo said...

oh lilac please do tell.....lol!!

Lilac said...

Mrembo you tell first, then I'll tell hehehehe.

Wanjiku Unlimited said...

Mrembo and Lilac toboa. We're listening.

Lilac said...

Joan as we do your homework, maybe we should also be trying to find out why the Luhya men dont prefer to marry their women. And why Kuyu ladies are considered poor in bed yet they become dynamite when they meet men from other tribes - esp the luhya. You've touched on it kidogo but what about details?

Anonymous said...

As a Kikuyu man I feel offended by your post. Kyuks men are the very best, please stop this negative stereotype.

luke said...

joan my dear what if you are a halfcaste man i.e. half luhya half kyuk? does it mean you will be resisted because you are not fully luhya but will have a pancakes nose because you are not fully kyuk?
if so a friend of mine is in trouble

Anonymous said...

I actually quite like Luyha men. I find them vvvvvery attractive, pancake nose or not. My only problem is all the ones I meet are already taken. I am a successful single young Kyuk woman. Any Luyha out there for the take?

Lilac said...

Anon 9.39 it's not that kiuk men are bad. It's just that they're always in some rush in bed to clear the sex business and make those calls before that deal closes. And foreplay for them is just pinching the lady's boobs and roughly prodding her poor holy land with a finger. This is not a stereotype - its a known fact.

Mrembo said...

hahahahahaha lilac, 11.07!!

mambo ama mambo? pinching and prodding? hahahahaha!!

Anonymous said...

I am surprised that a modern woman will publish a story of rape and pass it off as acceptable. I suppose you still have a long way to go.

Lilac said...

5.05 go away. You're spoiling our fun here. I guess you're the same person of braininess. What rape?

Anonymous said...

For real I am a luhya dude and for some reason or other kuyo women seem to really like me!

Anonymous said...

hehehehehe niceeeee!!!! you guyz are not talking about the real issue the size of the ka thinghy which is much bigger LUO's,luhya's or kyks? hehehehe kwako mrembo na lilic ooohhhh na wanjiko

Lilac said...

11.04 methinks it's not the size that draws Kyuys to Luhyas. It's what they do with it. You may be big and clueless. You may also be not so big and full of clues. And lunjes are not clueless. Ask me.

M-Pesa said...

It's true Kiuk chiqs have hots for Mwana wa Ingoo for obvious facts. But it's also true Kiuk men are truely, madly and deeply in love with Kao chiqs. I hear Kao chiqs are very-very athletic around the waist and from an early age are taught to move their hips in a hot and sizzling manner. About the Luhyas having a pancake nose, well that's another story!

Lilac said...

M-pesa lol. Is it not also true that some men don't want it too athletic? That sometimes too much twist throws them off balance? I hear men are now preferring the slow and sensual chic? Enlighten me.

M-Pesa said...

Kao chiqs can be fast or slow depending on your taste and style. From an early age of about 2 to 8years old, I hear they are normally given a brand new cooking pot to play with as they lay on bed.

They thus use all fours- hands and legs- to rotate the pot vigorously in various ways and thus become experts on the good game! I stand to be corrected but that's generally how the story goes.

Fancy being rotated by a Kao chick like a brand new cooking all the way to cloud nine?? Enda tu hapa Machakos ama Mlolongo on Kililimbi nite. Many Kiuk men have lived to tell the tale.

Anonymous said...

M-pesa say what??!! I'm shifting to ukambani.

Anonymous said...

Murang'a chicks are very hot! Unlike the Kiambu women who are after your money or Nyeri ones who are known to be husband beaters, the Murang'a ones are humble, polite and they will stick with you thick and thin. Amazing they are all beautiful with very light skin tone and well chiselled cheek bones.

Anonymous said...

anon which murang'a are you talking about? Si those ones are the ones roho mbaya who are always quarelling about everything and anything?

i know a few ;muranga chics who are not well chiselled. anon if you have a chic from muranga and she's good and beautiful, count yourself very lucky. And how are they when it comes to pale pale?

Anonymous said...

Anon 7:39, Yes I have a Murang'a chic from Kangema and they are ALL good wife material and also very beautiful. Nice place too! Better than Gatundu or Limuru.

Anonymous said...

7.55 You're one lucky dude. how about pale pale? some are known to knit sweaters while the guy hammers away.

Kenyan said...

You guys have made me laugh so hard. LOL. Reminds me of another storo that used to go around about a wolalo truck driver, who patad a chic who was doing the twist and throws. And the truck driver was like pana hamisha hamisha, weka pahala moja worioya na twanga .

Peace out
kenyan

Kiki said...

Kenyan you're so right. This room is funny funny funny.

Ati pana hamisha hamisha LOL.

Kenyan I've always also heard that jamaas seriously prefer someone mwenye ametulia kiasi. I think i know what walalo was talking about.

Anvil said...

i love this room!....pana hamisha hamisha!..LOL...

Kiki said...

ha ha ha Anvil. mama nahamisha hamisha na walalo anataka twanga. aiiii mama namna gani!!

IMBOKO said...

back dem days when I was a hot blooded luhya boy in early 20's and newly employed (bila pancake nose), some 2 married kiuk women (workmates) were really after me in the ofis, they were hot and horny. Anyway to cut the long story short they almost fought when they realized they were both after me. I got to nail both, to their chagrin and my regret(for sinning).

As for hamisha hamisha, I heard of a kalasinger who went to IMANI, remember that once famous lojo, where a rao was kobole.... them days, he encountered a Njeri and the storo went like, Ooh jeri, iko majuri, iko tamu, oooh jeri kamata devu, vuta devu, ooh jeri, simama hapo , vuta devu maji moto taka toka.....

bOMSEH said...

@Lilac 8.36 - Lunje men don't prefer to marry their own women because they eat too much and grow too big too fast.

Lilac said...

Bomseh ha ha ha. si manzi wengi these days are doing just that ama? growing big? even from other tribes?

Imboko so you're lunje. Tell us the secret.What is it you guys do?

the kalasinga guy, by devu he meant? uui.

Anonymous said...

This issue is subjective pple.Sometimes u r so physically attracted to someone hata kama they suck in bed u dont even realise coz just being with them takes u2 cloud nine.Lakini as a kiyuk lady I must admit jangos and lunjes gat game esp if you get an older man whose gat experience(yaani is open to learning) sio wale hutoa suruali with their big toe.The best lover Ive ever had was a jango guy 15 yrs older.Man!Kwanza alianza by asking me to tell him wot to do.Having zoead jamaas who think they are experts yet they know nothing I was shocked ati this guy is asking for directions from me.Perplexed me just nyamazad, shortly the guy was ravishing me and unleashing foreplay ingine wacha tuu and that was before he even went in.Woi!Karibu nijikojole!

IMBOKO said...

@lilac 12:58 - the secret is eating the "brown ugali", njugu karanga......and other unpalatable things like "tsiswa" you know those flying termites... they have plenty of raw proteins.... (yak ! you must be thinking)

"devu" are ndevus, beards, you know those kalasingas with turbans and long ndevus... I guess having the ndevus pulled and tugged added some "kick" to act !!

Anonymous said...

Inter-tribal relationships should be banned. Not good for our society and the children. People should stick to their own.

Lilac said...

ngai fafa 1.10 thanks for reminding me! there are those who toa suruali with their toes! heheheheheheeeeeeeeeeee! They hook the toe to the panyo and kick it down!! We've come a long way! but dear until you've tried merus you ain't seen nothing yet. You'll run off looking for the nearest kuyu.

Imboko i was wondering about ndevu. i know those long ndevus. just didnt imagine having them pulled could amount to anythng.

Anonymous said...

2.01 get a life!

Anonymous said...

Joan,
I raise the same sentiment as Anon 5.05, this was a blatant daylight rape.
You story raise more questions that the intended arousal. This poor woman was sexually harassed at work by her boss who went on to rape her and imprison her in the name of marriage.
According to your own words, the woman did not like the man; she did not find him attractive. So what made her fall him? Maybe the man used black magic to entice her for the rest of her life or the man used male masculinity to overpower the woman. It could also be a possibility which can explain all other cases of "kiuk woman who have married Luyha after first time encounter".
Please Joan stop glorifying rape and as a matter of fact, you should be ashamed of yourself if you are a woman. At least you should have paraphrased your story not look macho.

Anonymous said...

3.58 are you saying that all other kiuks married to luhya guys have been black magic-ed??? ai speak for your self. for me the only black magic my lunje used is between his legs.

the woman is happy now. happy ending ama?

Anonymous said...

What happy ending?? The woman was falsly imprisoned in the name of marriage. It's supposed to be love at first sight not man having his own way. It was not even a consented sex for God sake!
I bet if you unearth those stories of Kiuk women "falling" for Luyha men, you will find another Austria here in Kenya.

protest said...

Guys i,m a bit confused here, coz there is this kyuk lady in Riruta who is married and had beef with the hussie so she ended up in an affair with a lunje guy, the interesting part is that according to her the only thing that kept her from completely leaving her kyuk hussie was the fact that the guy was loaded and was good pale pale, as for the other guy it turns out that the guy was as romantic as they come, flowers and the works, he would have kissed her toes in the middle of Moi avenue is she asked him to. This was the only shortcoming with her kyuk hussie, he never had time to bemebeleza her. But when it all lipukad she opted to go back to her hussie and i understand the lunje guy cried himself sick, also turns out the guy was like 4"down there and avoided sex like the plague and at 39 he still isn't married, someone help me out, is he an exception?. then theres this kyuk mama at our work place who's married to a luyha and she says she regrets it every day as the guy turned out to be a morron in the end, beating her and siring seven kids and the guys relatives have become more senior than her in her own house, the interesting part is that its rumoured she's having a fling with an old time kyuk cop friend...so i guess it could be that people are different you could get a good kyuk or a lousy lunje or the opposite, so girls look wisely...but for the kaos well from experience i must agree they are something else...

Mrembo said...

i have never laughed this hard in my life!! you people are the best....joan leta udaku ingine!! ukiweza moto kushinda hii!! aiiii...pana hamisha hamisha!! hehehehehehe!!!

this is the best blog site ever!!!

Wanjiku Unlimited said...

mrembo kumbe unasomanga udaku alaaaa! Tabia mbaya wewe hehehhehehhehe.

Lilac said...

Protest of course there are exceptions. some kiuks are good. others are those ones who remove panyos with a toe.

loaded is not equals good in bed by the way. but 4" woishe. i dont have a ruler here but i'll check 4" when i get one. a ruler that is aiiii.

Anonymous said...

wanjiku and mrembo. the way you two shambua siasa with the men mpaka i fear you. kume huku pia mko.

Mrembo said...

wanjiku,

udaku nikose nichekwe? hehehehe!! labda mwingine si mimi na kwako naja wacha nimalize hii comment naja saa hii hii...by the way, where did u take our dear friend taabu?

anonymous 9.47, dont fear us...hata politicians love udaku.

Wanjiku Unlimited said...

9.47 ai. We're regular girls after all the siasa with the men. pana ogopa ogopa.

Mrembo yaani we shambua siasa that much mpaka we're feared Lol. Taabu has decided to do a Lucy Kibaki. Ooops! siasa tena.

anvil said...

sasa ile story kama ya pana hamisha hamisha ndio imeisha?....zusha ingine kama hio ...lol!...sorry guys but my laughter is elongated!

Kenyan said...

Joan,
I should maybe do a guest column sometime on the hapana hamisha hamisha storo. lol

Amkeni Ndugu Zetu! said...

Basi inakaa hamuja sikia story of the walalo chick who had the misfortune of patiaing a very strong dude (judging from this post, he may have been a Lunje for all you know). Anyway, the guy started ploughing like crazy and katika zile pilka-pilka za excitement, the burungo slipped kiasi and inadvertently entered the kunyi... whereupon the walao chick screamed: "bahali yake pums, bahali yake pums!"

Mluyia said...

I know we are not selfish, we take our time to please the lady, and finally when we get to the real deal she is already ....

Anonymous said...

Guys,from experience...lunje men any time.Am a beautiful successful kyk woman 30yrs .you cannot compare the lazy likuyu man in bed with these lunjes.they always know what they are doing in there.so my brothers.you have a long way to go...

Anonymous said...

why did the comments stop in 2008?

Anonymous said...

Waaaa....so glad I stumbled on this blog. Kumbe I am not the only one that is smitten for lunjees....

Anonymous said...

this must be the site where losers rationalize their failures by belittling kikuyus.
kenya is an underdeveloped country because the majority hate people who try!!!

Anonymous said...

This is INDEED a fact hate it or love it..Kyuk ladies are seriously attracted to luhya men and not just for the fact that we are seriously blessed downstairs :-) but also that we appreciate the love we receive from them. Y do you think their is this saying "mluhya akipenda, Amependa" Luhya men are known to be casanova's,valentino's...and kyuk ladies know it..thats why they are searching and holding on to luhya men.

Anonymous said...

this blog.has made my day.ihve crackled like a frog.some thing u forgot mugombero is power

Angel Doll Marie said...

Ha ha ha!!! Lmao!!!! I really wish This was a face to face encounter... Would have been a blast. I'm currently dating this Luo guy( I'm Kiuk) and I have to say they know how to treat their lady& when they commit to you, no wewe tu. Plus they are weeeeell endowed& know just what to do. Its like its automatic!!! Guy gives me orgasms like no other!! Ive dated kiuks as well but I gatta say most kiuk guys lack greatly in that sector. Even the well endowed lack the skills....Thanx ya all for the laughs. Made my night :-)

Anonymous said...

Dats very true...i have never understood their charm..they are smooth operators na uzito walipewa till you cannot resist

Anonymous said...

Criusly luhya men r the best am luhya chic n 2 xay da truth kiuks men money runs in their veins nt sex

Anonymous said...

Where did Mrembo,Kiki,Wanjiku Unlimited, Lilac and the rest go? Wish they could update here.

About Luhya guys sisemi kitu coz I had this Lunje who the minute he came near me I wud stop thinking straight. Alivuka border and I miss him so...

Wacha tu!

Anonymous said...

hahaha

Anonymous said...

Surely lunjes are the best am 23, kiuk n i havin this luhya man(soon weddin).They gives it all n makes sure ua sast,,,,they'r the best I MUST SAY

Anonymous said...

Surely lunjes are the best am 23, kiuk n i havin this luhya man(soon weddin).They gives it all n makes sure ua sast,,,,they'r the best I MUST SAY

Anonymous said...

The secret ni kukamata ovusuma na ingokho it has a great power to mek u fly like a real cock inside the forbiden fruits!!