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Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Sex Olympics: The men’s event

Yesterday (the previous post) we dealt with the lady’s event where the Kamba lasses easily took gold with little resistance from any other competitors. The judges’ decision was wildly cheered by the audience and as you can see from the comments, nobody is disputing them.

However the men’s event is bound to kick up much more controversy, especially in terms of who takes gold. Although the judge’s decision is final and no appeals will be entertained whatsoever, as always I will welcome your views na roho safi.

Luo men seem to understand women pretty well. They also know how to dress, no doubt about that and as you know a woman begins to fall in love with what she sees first. Little wonder that most Luo men have no problem attracting a long string of girl friends. However when serious business starts, they tend to fall short. I think the main problem is that they seem to be still trying to put on a show. Bedroom matters have little room for pretence or showing off which just spoils everything.

For this reason, they do not even qualify for the medal bracket.

Mention Luhya men to some women and their temperatures start to immediately rise considerably. Can you blame the ladies? I don’t think so. These guys are well-built, well endowed and have the stamina of two bulls or more. And since the event we are talking about here is usually a very physical one that will tend to last much, much, longer than the time it takes to run the 3000 metres steeplechase (both in a disastrously slow time or in record time), these qualities serve the Luhya well.

Still they will not carry away the bronze just like that. There are Coast men breathing down their necks. For your information Coastarians have a worldwide reputation now in sex athletics. Just stop any old German woman in the streets of Berlin or Stuttgart and ask her about them. Or look for any old but rich Italian woman with most of her teeth gone in Milan or any other Italian city and she will roll her eyes upwards when you remind them of the Coast boys in Kenya. Chances are that she will even kiss her fingers loudly to express her opinion (if you can’t speak good Italian). In fact many of them will already have one of those for their personal use at home. These guys are the real unsung heroes of Kenyans remarkable tourism industry. Officially they don’t exist but the truth is that tourists flock into Kenya for a different kind of wild game than what is claimed by the Ministry of tourism.

Folks the race here is too close and too tight to call and I am forced to award the bronze medal to both Luhya and Coast men. Congratulations to both.

The race for silver is ever closer and it is between Kamba men and the Masai. Sex for the Kamba has been a serious sport for centuries. Just listen to their music and watch the way they dance to it. Have you ever heard of a slow Kamba song? Get the drift? When a Kamba man falls in love with a Kamba woman, the bed springs will suffer vibaya (these guys prefer to use the old small and narrow spring safari beds for the event, I am not sure why, but the reason could be that wood tends to break if excessive sustained pressure is applied or is it to make music with the springs at the same time?) But even more amazing is that it is said that in another of their many variations, A Kamba man can also carry out a conversation with his Kamba woman even as sex is going on and if you were in the next room you would never think that there is anything more than an ordinary tete-a-tete happening, assuming that a spring bed is not in use in this case.

Many Kenyan women are yet to discover the Maasai. Maybe it is because they don’t smell too nice. But European and American women already know what Masai men can do apart from killing lions with only a spear. These women have discovered another Masai spear that literally kills powerful mzungu women. There was this Swiss woman who came into the country as a tourist having already been advised to look for a Masai to cool down her fires. She met one and after “sampling” the illiterate man who drunk too much and had never used deodorant in his life, her next actions astounded everybody. She dumped her fellow mzungu boyfriend and went back home and sold her prosperous business and came back to Kenya to live with the guy in the village in some manyatta. She just went crazy for him. By the way the guy was already married to another Masai and had to dump her for the mzungu. They gave birth to a daughter together. They are now divorced and the woman is a best-selling author writing books that sing the praises of Masai men and selling them to sexually-starved mzungu women.

Or consider the case of this mzungu who lives with her Masai husband somewhere in Nanyuki. They have been married for a number of years now but on most days the woman comes out in the morning to wait for her husband to come off duty (I am NOT kidding). She just can’t wait to be under his body and at the mercy of his marvelous tool. You see the Masai secret has something to do with the way they are circumcised. Plenty of flesh is left hanging on one side and this has the effect of enhancing friction and contact with a woman’s clitoris. The result is sophisticated European women losing their minds to the extent where they stop thinking straight.

Silver is another tie between the Kamba and the Masai. I award silver to both.

To be continued Tomorrow: The nagging question is after this quality fierce competition of today, who the hell will take the men’s gold in this event?

Read what others say about Masai men and mzungu women.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

i have to wait for this one gold to who? no one else is left and kikuyus are definitely not in the running!