Sex Olympics: Who takes the gold?

The Olympic games are just around the corner and so it is rather appropriate to discuss another type of Olmpics. The one that happens between the sheets.

Today we will start with the sisters but tomorrow we will handle the men.

So who does gold really go to?

I have interviewed a few men who have been around to compile this report.

Luhya women, I am told are not really bad. Only that there is no such tribe as Luhya. In fact there are many different sub-tribes like the Bukusu, the Tachoni, the Maragoli and so on. And women from each of those communities have their plusses and minuses too. However the biggest problem with Luhya women as a whole is the fact that most are way too tough. They are no strangers to beating up men. This has caused great fear amongst many men and has to be a hindrance to activities of the waist.

Luo women are frequently drop-dead gorgeous. Whether brown or kiwi-black, my sources tell me that they have met many extremely beautiful Luo women. Interestingly they all agree that their biggest asset is usually the backside because it is no secret that the size of that enhances the kind of activities we are talking about in this article. What happens is that they play a key role in positioning the all-important point of entry. But still Luo girls do not quite qualify for any medals. The main complaint against them is that they do not do enough to enhance the quality of the experience. Either they are too quiet or withdrawn or when they do show excitement, they do not make the right noises at the right time.

The Bronze medal therefore goes to the Masai. The word that stands out from all those interviewed is “daring”. When a Masai woman gives themselves to a man, they do not do it in any half measures. And don’t forget that Masai women can be extremely beautiful and the kind that can make a man feel weak around the knees. So congratulations ladies you really do deserve a better medal but competition here is very fierce, better luck next time.

Silver without doubt has to go to chics from the Coast. One man assures me that he is always able to tell how skilled a girl from the Coast is between the sheets from the food that they cook for him before the action starts. The rule seems to be that if you tend to overeat on the table, then you can be sure that the same tendencies will recur between the sheets. Coastarians have many things going for them. For starters their hips never stay still but instead rotate all the time and move in different directions to enhance the angle of the penetration. The result is that a man leaves the experience very confused and very smitten and always eager to get back ASAP. Well done Coast girls.

Now there was no argument or discussion over who wins gold. The decision was unanimous. In fact it was interesting to observe how both men reacted when I asked them to name the gold medal women. They spoke almost in a whisper of awe and their minds seemed to drift back longingly in remembrance with their encounter with the girls popularly known as “wa kwitu”. One of them used just two very similar words to describe them; “blazing hot”, he said. There seems to be no doubt that these ladies are sex athletes par excellent. I am told that the Kamba woman test to be used to determine whether you are dealing with a fake commodity or the genuine original is as follows. If the woman has a child (virtually all Kamba women have children whether they are married or not, because men cannot get enough of them and therefore tend to overuse them even at the wrong time of the month) then this test can be carried out. During the act if the baby wakes and starts crying, all other women will stop what they were doing and rush to the baby. Not a kamba woman. Nothing will stop or distract her during the important activity. One man tells me that he was in such an encounter and the baby cried themselves hoarse. It was only after the shattering climax that the Kamba athelete came back to her senses and was shocked to realize that the baby had been crying for so long. That is how committed these wonderful ladies are. No arguments here folks the gold is well deserved. Na usiongee.