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Friday, July 4, 2008

Woman pinches baby to avoid “marital duties at bedtime”

There is a rather nasty saying amongst a certain tribe in neighboring Tanzania that a girl who has accepted to be married has no option but to sleep without her panties.

The saying probably illustrates the one big problem most married couples have had right down the centuries. Chances are that if you are married and are reading this, you will be able to immediately identify with what I am trying to drive at in this article.

The truth is that sex is the pillar of any happy marriage, and so one needs to get very concerned when they hear stories like the one about the woman who used to violently pinch her sleeping child the minute her husband showed signs of demanding for sex during the night. The child would predictably scream loudly and she would quickly get up to attend to it and would have the perfect excuse not to have sex.

There are of course many other ingenious techniques that women use to avoid sex apart from the old one of pleading a headache. Here are a few more;

1. Pretend to get extremely busy in the kitchen at bed time in the hope that the man will fall asleep. Loud snores from the bedroom are the signal that the coast is clear to quietly sneak into bed safely.

2. Flash your mum on your cell phone just before you get into bed. She will call you right back and all you have to do is greet her loudly so that your husband knows it’s your mum you are talking to. Many men get put off sex the minute they hear their mother-in-law mentioned mostly because of the usually tense relationship the two have.

3. Start a discussion on money the minute you get into bed. Inevitably this usually ends up in a terrible row, making sex impossible.

4. Claim that one of your young children is too scared to sleep in their bedroom and then strategically place them between you and your husband in bed.

5. Pretend that your periods have come early. Most men don’t have a clue and neither do they remember dates so it is quite possible to “conveniently” have your “Ps” twice or even 3 times a month. If push gets to shove and he wants to see evidence go into the bathroom and cut your finger.

6. If you have been out drinking together fake a black out.

7. Carry some files home from the office and pretend that you have a deadline of the next day to complete some work. Sneak into bed when the coast is clear.

8. Tell him that you suspect that you are pregnant. In these hard times such news is enough to cool the most serious hard-on in most husbands. This technique is a sure winner with mere boyfriends.

DISCLAIMER: This writer does not guarantee that these ideas will always be an effective defense against horny husbands. Wives and girlfriends attempting to implement any idea in this article do so at their own risk and this writer and this site will take no responsibility for any dire consequences that may result.

But what exactly causes wives to behave in this manner? The answer is so simple that it will shock you. The problem is with the men, you see most Kenyan men do not know how to get affectionate with their women in a non-sexual way. This makes the whole sex thing very boring and monotonous for most women after the initial excitement wears off. Remember women were born to be loved NOT to be misused as some sex objects. Tell that to a man!!

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10 comments:

Mcheku said...

Okay Joan, I gotta tell you, this is a classic! You have made me laugh so hard aki, I have to send this to all my friends! I will be sure to use some of those techniques when the time comes Lol!

But I have to ask, how silly can husbands be? Ati cut your finger? That one is fake!

Kudos my friend!

Mcheku said...

Eiii Joan, ati disclaimer, hiyo ni kali!

Sayra said...

Lol ... nimecheka ... ati conveniently have ur ps 2 or 3 times a month ... ha ha ha.

Lakini that one of pinching the baby is unfair to the baby. Reminds me of those parents who fart then they tell the kid nearest to them to stop the bad habit ... lol.

David said...

How do u become affectonate in a non sexual way? Anyone...

Anonymous said...

I am a man and when I want sex I get it whether the periods are there or not. After all I dont go out to other women so no fear of HIV. Hata mtoto akilia - I will get it. Nothing hainitishi. Even if she talks money - mimi ninaendelea tu.

Anonymous said...

..you see most Kenyan women do not know how to get affectionate with their men in a non-monetary way. This makes the whole sex thing very boring and monotonous for most men after the initial excitement wears off. Remember men are also emotional beings and should not be misused as some moneyminters then you expect a fulfilling love-making from them. Tell that to a woman!!

Mcheku said...

Lol Sayra, That one is funny! Parents blaming kids? Its a good thing my parents did not try that on me...I was a kimbelembele child I would have sold them out badly!

Anonymous 9:04 you sound very harsh, ever heard of marital rape? And Anon 11.46, you sound very bitter, women are not just after money, at least some of us are not!

Sayra said...

Mcheku,

Lucky you you were kimbelembele, my kid bro was not and he always loved to sit btwn them. So when my paps did it he would go like "hey young man, behave next time!". And my other siblings and i would look at each other and smile, with our mouths covered.
Then one day my paps did it when he was asleep then unconsciously said "hey young man, behave next time!" ... mind you none of my bros were around. Tulicheka ... we have never laughed like that ... but that was the last time he ever said that.

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